Bipolar

There is a storm raging in my soul and the waves are high
Rain, hail, fire, the fury of God in the sky
If you're caught in this downpour, you'll never dry
You'll never find yourself again, feeling alive
I wish you would look past the clouds in my eyes
To see what my heart really looks like
But all you see is what you think I am
But you're all wrong, I'm not that man
I'm not what I've done, what I do, what I say
There's much more to me than screaming in your face
I'm a soul, a spirit, a beauty, a bird
But you'll never see that because of just one word
Just one thing separates us two
You'd love me without it but then I wouldn't love you
My heart is heavy, boulders in my abdominal
You can forgive but you'll never forget my words
I'm abominable
There's no shelter strong enough to hold
There's no amount of fire to warm this cold,
Dark, black hole where my heart used to be
You'll never climb out if you keep following me
There's a storm raging inside of my soul
Leave me now before I swallow you whole

Feel

Times like this I'd like to plunge a dagger into a vein Remind myself I'm alive, breathing living this pain I feel dull Dead Empty Alone I don't belong here This world's not my home I'm a broken spirit searching for soul Something to fill this void in my heart, this hole I've been fragile Lonely Depressed Unstable I'd fix it myself If only I were able

you.

You have a way with words and actions
Your life has become my passion
You are what I didn’t expect to fall for
But too perfect not to give it my all for
Your distance and the time we’re apart
Is the reason life brings tears to my heart
I cant get over the look in your eyes
Everyday when we say our goodbyes
I know you want to say something but
You’re too afraid to just tell me what
Youll never read this so I can say it here
Ive never felt something this clear
From the day that we met to tonight
You, my love, have become my light.

losing it.

When I make you laugh
Your eyes twinkle like snowflakes
Your dimples are canyons
Your chin and your lips shake
When you touch my face
My heart melts like wax
Feels like my stomach
Is doing jumping jacks
The way that you kiss me
Makes my soul flutter
In the strength of your arms
I melt like butter
And the way that you
Say my name so sweet
Buckling at my knees
Swept off my feet
I don’t know what it is
All I know is that I need it
Every look and every word
That you say, you feed it
Boy you make me fall
like I just lost at jenga
i feel like you’re the
Corey to my Topanga.

VOTE!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!! Visit this site: http://www.safeauto.com/DoTheJingle/Video/Alyssa_Hockenberry and VOTE FOR ME!!! You can vote as many times as you want! This money would help me pay for school and be such a blessing! Plus a chance to be on a commercial! AWESOME!! Please vote and pass the word on! THANK YOU!

ugh.

my pills have not been working
a reminder of why i am medicated.
i feel lost, careless, unhappy,
hateful, grouchy, undedicated.
im in an 'i hate everyone' mood
and im reliving the past
wondering why im always creating
love that doesn't ever last.
reminding myself why i hate dating.
i fall so easily and always hard.
so im blocking out my feelings
my heart is back on guard.
my defense mechanism is not caring,
but im so broken inside.
no one knows whats behind this smile.
the pain and tears i hide.
i hate everything today.
the Lord is my only friend.
i say i dont but i do want love,
and i want this anger to end.

gona be a cat lady.

i have finally decided
to build back my walls
no longer wishing
for someone with balls
i hate everyone equally
(but men, a bit more)
ill get really fat and hairy
ill be a prude, not a whore
ill have thirty six cats
no shower in my home
ill be covered in fur
but never alone
my cats will protect me
from mice...and men
i hate cats, but id rather
be a cat lady than love again.

9.20.12

tonight my heart hurts
my stomach churns
my smiles faded
my eyes burn
the tears came hard
and met at my chin
the outward sight
of feelings within
engrossing emotions
invading my mind
thought i'd come far
but i'm falling behind
back from the past
back to the start
reconnecting my thoughts
my soul and my heart
collecting the lessons
life has taught me
the soil and the water
the food for my tree
i will not wither
i will not fade
i will prosper
in sun and shade
no matter what happens
or will surround
can shake me, i'm planted
firmly, in the ground
i am here now
more than ill ever be
i'll never be anything
other than me.

MAC

I bought a big bed
for us to share
When I lay down,
I still see you there
I still taste your kiss
I still feel your skin
See your big, brown eyes
Your dimples, your grin
I hold onto my pillow
and wish it was you
I can't wait until
my wishes come true
two months from now
I'll be with you again
Once more in the arms
of my love and my friend.

dont wana be a cat lady.

Maybe love is true
maybe fairy tales are real
I believe in it again
By the way you make me feel
something I’ve waited for
since I saw Cinderella
but I never really thought
I’d find that kind of fella
I know you won’t hurt me
I know you won’t leave
I know these things because
your heart is on your sleeve
we connect so well already
I just can’t wait to see
this fairy tale unfold
between you and me.

i hate feeling feelings.

what you meant
isn't what i heard
you lied when you said
you'd keep your word
a wasted 2 years
has left me alone
when you called last night
i should have silenced my phone
you wanted to rub in my face
that you've found someone new
reminding me, once more
i no longer have you
you lashed out in anger
when i got upset
but you cant expect me
to be over you yet
you let me down
in the worst way
the love i thought i found
still burns to this day
i'm breaking myself down
i can't do this much longer
even though i feel weak
i know i've become stronger
you broke my spirit
you broke my pride
something deep inside of me
withered up and died
you tore me apart
going back on your word
our memories are vivid
but the lines have all blurred
you've really moved on
and i'm still right here
lost and alone
drinking way too much beer
when you think of me
i hope that it stings
and i hope that i'll see
just what karma brings
go fuck yourself douche bag :)

die in a hole.

it's been a while since we split.
believe it or not i still feel like shit.
crying myself to sleep is getting old.
trying to find a way to turn myself cold.
to rid my heart of these feelings.
and to deal better with these dealings.
i hate thinking of you and being hurt.
you left me face down in the dirt.
i would do anything to hurt you back
as much as you've hurt me.
i wish i could break you down
completely.
if i didnt have morals
id give you to a dirty trucker.
bitch i would ruin you.
die in a hole mother fucker.

7.6.12

im giving up the hurt i have
the pain that inhabits my soul
im giving up on giving a shit
cause shit belongs in a hole.
im sick and tired of being angry
and feeling low and depressed
i got my ass out of bed today
and i started hurting less.
i have to keep telling myself
dont give a fuck, youre fine
i keep reminding myself
its beginning to soak in my mind.
i need to find happiness again
in the little things in life
like flowers and birds and dancing
movies and dinners with my wife.
i need to laugh more than cry
lifes too short to be sad
i have amazing support here
THE best mom and dad.
selfishness breeds depression
selflessness breeds relief
bring on the happiness and laughter
im dropping the pain and the grief.
blah blah blah sob story stuff
no ones more lonely than i
im sick of feeling feelings
im going to go eat some pie.

Me for me.

Ive loved you for you
So why cant you see
I just want you
To love me for me
It seems you cant look
Past the person ive been
No matter what I do
It seems I cant win
I look past your past
Ive let it all go
Don’t hold it over me
I want you to know
I know that ive loved you
Right from the start
And everything ive said
Came straight from the heart
You act like im a sinner
And pretend that you’re a saint
But trust me when I say
We all know you aint
Ive made some wrong choices
In the life ive been livin
But im taking advantage
Of the second chance ive been given
I wish it didn’t matter
The person ive been
Because now im different
Ive been changed within
I know you look down on me
For some decisions I make
Like anything I ever do
Is a complete mistake
Choices ive made
Are deciding my fate
So I chose to change things
Before its too late
Now my soul is pure
My heart is ready
My mind is clear
My stride is steady
Im not one to judge
So please don’t judge me
If you’d have listened
Then you would see
Im a work in progress
Im a diamond in the rough
Im goofy on the outside
But inside im tough
I don’t let haters
Break me down
I’m 100 percent me
All the way around.

New Attitude.

I made a decision and i'm trying to stick with it
you didn't like it, but i did it for my own good.
Nights like this when i start to get lonely...
I call on the Lord because i know i should
He understands how i've been feeling lately
He loves me unconditionally no matter what ive done
I feel ungrateful sometimes when i get selfish
when clouds are above me, He brings out the sun
He fills my heart with joy every single day
I'm tired of being angry about petty things
So i'll sit back and let God lead me
and open my heart to see what He brings.

11.21

twenty one years
of bitter affairs
shaking my fist
pulling out hair
too busy to live
too busy to love
lost and mislead
guidance from above
is much needed
and cherished
to teach me
before i perish
to rid myself
of too many errands
to make time for love
for family and friends
working my life
into the ground
with a smile on my face
and no one around
im withering and alone
looking for hope
but i still run away
a pitiful dope
running and tripping
falling and failing
breaking my bones
but not moaning or wailing
letting the pain
eat at my soul
i need a rope
to get out of this hole
my life is passing
in front of my face
i just hope soon
i find my place.

6.24

if i could
i would
throw my elbow
at your face
break your pretty nose
put you in your place
if i could
i would
knee you in the throat
then leave a sticky note
with a quote:
"break my heart, i'll break your bones"
lessons learned
tables have turned
you are now where i once was
i do understand
i just dont care
so i wanna pound your spine
pull out your hair
break your back
snap your arm
this is just a poem
i mean no harm
unless you contact me
one more time
then...
you're mine.

5.13

if i had a dime
for every moment i wished
i could go back in time
id have enough money
to build a time machine
and rewrite everything.
if i had nickel
for every joke you told me
every laugh, every tickle
every inside memory we shared
nothing compared.
if i had a fucking penny
for every time i think this
for every day
for every kiss
every story we ever told
thoughts of us
both young and old
the life we planned
the time that spanned
living in the moment
together
alone
then it was unknown
but now...
if i had a dime
for every time
i regret losing you then
id be the richest, sadest,
son of a bitch theres ever been.
im sorry.

you know who this is about...

with every breath you take
i hate you a little more
with every mistake you make
within me, more hatred is born.
every morning that you open your eyes
is another miserable day
ive never in my life despised
anything so much...go away.
do us all a favor and disappear
it doesnt matter how
let me make myself clear...
drink some cyanide
use a gun
or maybe a kife
i know you have one
youve stabbed me in the back with it
countless times
you're the reason
for all of my rhymes
do me a favor, put your hand on your chest
where your hearts supposed to be
notice its not beating
because its empty
gve yourself a shot
or you could take a pill
you want someone to help you?
i know someone who will
do us a favor and disappear
remove your face from existence
cause no one wants you here.

Karma....

I put my foot in the fire
And it burned to bits
I put my heart in your hands
And you threw a fit
I put my love in your arms
And you treated me like shit
Now I’m done.
You’ll be sorry.

I put my strength in your soul
And you so let me down
Now I’m falling apart
Nothing but pieces on the ground
I’m a worthless piece of shit
And you’re nowhere around
Now I’m done.
You’ll be sorry.

You don’t have to believe in karma…
…for her to bite you in the ass.
Now I’m done.
You’ll be sorry.