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ugh.

my pills have not been working
a reminder of why i am medicated.
i feel lost, careless, unhappy,
hateful, grouchy, undedicated.
im in an 'i hate everyone' mood
and im reliving the past
wondering why im always creating
love that doesn't ever last.
reminding myself why i hate dating.
i fall so easily and always hard.
so im blocking out my feelings
my heart is back on guard.
my defense mechanism is not caring,
but im so broken inside.
no one knows whats behind this smile.
the pain and tears i hide.
i hate everything today.
the Lord is my only friend.
i say i dont but i do want love,
and i want this anger to end.

gona be a cat lady.

i have finally decided
to build back my walls
no longer wishing
for someone with balls
i hate everyone equally
(but men, a bit more)
ill get really fat and hairy
ill be a prude, not a whore
ill have thirty six cats
no shower in my home
ill be covered in fur
but never alone
my cats will protect me
from mice...and men
i hate cats, but id rather
be a cat lady than love again.

9.20.12

tonight my heart hurts
my stomach churns
my smiles faded
my eyes burn
the tears came hard
and met at my chin
the outward sight
of feelings within
engrossing emotions
invading my mind
thought i'd come far
but i'm falling behind
back from the past
back to the start
reconnecting my thoughts
my soul and my heart
collecting the lessons
life has taught me
the soil and the water
the food for my tree
i will not wither
i will not fade
i will prosper
in sun and shade
no matter what happens
or will surround
can shake me, i'm planted
firmly, in the ground
i am here now
more than ill ever be
i'll never be anything
other than me.

MAC

I bought a big bed
for us to share
When I lay down,
I still see you there
I still taste your kiss
I still feel your skin
See your big, brown eyes
Your dimples, your grin
I hold onto my pillow
and wish it was you
I can't wait until
my wishes come true
two months from now
I'll be with you again
Once more in the arms
of my love and my friend.

dont wana be a cat lady.

Maybe love is true
maybe fairy tales are real
I believe in it again
By the way you make me feel
something I’ve waited for
since I saw Cinderella
but I never really thought
I’d find that kind of fella
I know you won’t hurt me
I know you won’t leave
I know these things because
your heart is on your sleeve
we connect so well already
I just can’t wait to see
this fairy tale unfold
between you and me.

i hate feeling feelings.

what you meant
isn't what i heard
you lied when you said
you'd keep your word
a wasted 2 years
has left me alone
when you called last night
i should have silenced my phone
you wanted to rub in my face
that you've found someone new
reminding me, once more
i no longer have you
you lashed out in anger
when i got upset
but you cant expect me
to be over you yet
you let me down
in the worst way
the love i thought i found
still burns to this day
i'm breaking myself down
i can't do this much longer
even though i feel weak
i know i've become stronger
you broke my spirit
you broke my pride
something deep inside of me
withered up and died
you tore me apart
going back on your word
our memories are vivid
but the lines have all blurred
you've really moved on
and i'm still right here
lost and alone
drinking way too much beer
when you think of me
i hope that it stings
and i hope that i'll see
just what karma brings
go fuck yourself douche bag :)