epitome.

growing up
all these 19 years
listening to troubles
wiping away tears
ive never thought
about the definition
ive never researched
just made my own rendition
ive abandoned those
who needed me
ive forgotten my best
in their time of need
ive walked away
those sobbing on the floor
because i foolishly looked past
what is truly, so much more
ive never known
what a friend was, so true
not until, now
i've gotten to know you
you are the meaning
you are the epitome
you are a true friend
everything i should be
the outlining syllabus
role model, teacher
next time i'm called
maybe i'll reach her
i've learned so much
from who you are
and i thank you deeply,
for such a big heart
and for helping me
and showing me
everything i wasnt
and what i need to be.

stupid fucking 3 a.m.

yet again
im lying here
wide awake
mind clear
muddy with thoughts
wishes, dreams
pathetic bullshit
memories and things
fucking 3 a.m.
the thoughts start to flood
my mind is racing
the anger is in my blood
im so fucking pissed off
i cant get to sleep
those fucking memories!
i tried counting sheep
i cannot get any rest
theres no fucking way
im sick of lying here
helpless, day after day
theres no way out
nothing i can do
i cant erase his face
trust me, ive tried to
im so sick of thinking
thoughts like these
ive begged and groveled
"GOD JUST PLEASE!"
please remove them
all of them from my mind
and everyone tells me
"it'll just take time"
i fucking hate him
i hate this stupid thing too
i hate feeling this way
i hate doing what i do
i hate sitting here and thinking
of everything that was done
im so sick of fighting this fight
i get it, you won!
can i please fucking move on now?
can i please just move on?!
can you give me a break please?!
now that you're gone!?
i just want a fucking break
i just want to rest my eyes
im tired of the stupid shit
im tired of the lies
can i please remove this drama
all this shit from my head
I JUST FUCKING WANT
TO GO TO FUCKING BED.

changing.

This time away
This sweet egression
Has calmed my nerves
Removed depression
Stopped your voices
Affirming aggression
My mind has overcome
Engaging succession
The thoughts are fading
My mind’s digression
Accepting this mindset
This slight regression
Has become my life
My present obsession
And I must declare
With rhyming profession
I’ve climbed that wall
Achieved progression

rainstorm.

the sun had been out
shining more and more
then the clouds rolled in
more than ever before
and this rainstorm
reined down so strong
its dark and dreary
and its lasted too long
this rainstorm has become
my life, my destiny
this rainstorm has taken
all that was left of me
the rain beats down
harder......every night
but whenever im with you
i see a light
you're a light through the storm
a beacon of hope in this hell
my rope, my ladder
out of this well
i was drowining in my sorrow
i was letting myself go
and you let down your hand
you took the time to show
that my life was worth
fighting through this rain
of dragging through this storm
of pushing through this pain
youre the only one
who is pulling me through
youre the only one who cares
and all i have is you
and i thank you so much
for being my light in this rainstorm
for bringing me out of this painstorm
for shelter and protection
and keeping me warm
you're my light in this darkness
and wish i had the right words to say
thank you for being here
right by my side
every second, of every day.

confused.

part of me knows
this is for the best
but the other part
doesn't see the rest
part of me sees
he's so wrong for me
but the other part
sees what it wants to see
part of me holds onto
foolish hope, stupid lies
part of me knows, though
when i see it in my eyes
its completely over
he loves me no more
Gods closed that window
but He's opened a door
the past is over
and theres no going back
no more holding on to
the love that i lack
part of me knows
this is how its got to be
but part of me
refuses to believe
part of me knows
ive got to move on
but that one part of me
knows youre not gone
part of me
has already let go
but part of me
is holding onto what i know
part of me is hurting
and cannot see
what the other part can
that im only hurting me
part of me wants
so much to forget you
but part of me cant
as badly as i want to
part of me still
loves all of you
and the other part
still loves you too.

waiting room.

i sit quietly
hands clasped
mouth shut
time lapsed
waiting patiently
twiddling thumbs
watching the clock
as my feet go numb
i sit silently
on this hard chair
i wait and i wait
and nothings there
i watch the birds
and sip my drink
im waiting...and waiting
i start to think
my mind is wandering
the tears well
i shift in my chair
then the first tear fell
followed by another
like a parade
marching single file
small puddle is made
i unclasp my hands
and lower my head
crash the parade
my face turns red
i look up
to fake a smile
but no ones there
its been a while
ive been sitting here
quietly and weak
arms folded, legs crossed
someone starts to speak
i stand up slowly
lift my chin
clear my throat
force that grin
i shake his hand
he rubs my back
he says two words...
my eyes turn black
i turn around
to walk away
the tears well up
and i turn to say
my last three words
but he isnt there
the words he spoke
vanished in the air
i sat back down
on that chair
and waited and waited
still no one was there
so i crossed my legs
lowered my head
still sitting there wishing
i would be dead

stuck.

I’m not bitter
I’m just torn
I’m not suicidal
Just wish id never been born
I’m not pissy
I’m just cheerless
I’m not carefree
I’m just fearless
I’m not lonely
I’m just alone
I’m not empty-hearted
Just, no one’s home
Maybe one day
This doubt will clear
I’m not bitchy
Just sick of being here
I’m not dumb
Just slow to speak
I’m not that strong
Just not so weak
I’m not confusing
Just confused
I’m not bored
Just not amused
I’m not weary
I’m just listless
I’m not happy
I’m just restless
I’m not closed
Just not open
I’m not okayI’m still broken.