six.

jump off swings
lets climb trees
pee our pants
and scrape our knees
let hopscotch
lets jump rope
before the beer
the sex, the dope
lets play kickball
we'll dance and play
we'll smile and sing
and laugh all day
lets color a picture
lets play dolls
boys are gross
no talking in the halls
lets pass notes
lets trade shoes
lets be glad we dont
understand the news
lets hand clap
lets sing songs
lets be friends
all day long
lets hug our teacher
lets smile and wave
unknowing to ourselves
that we're strong and brave
we'll cut our own hair
and make our own games
act like we drive the car
we'll make up our own names
we're six years old
with the world at our feet
"oh the places we'll go
oh the people we'll meet."

man of my dreams.

if stars give back
if dreams come true
i'm glad to say
there is a you
i've doubted
i've believed
you were there
and i was relieved
you haunt my dreams
night by night
everything about you
felt so right
i knew right then
that you were him
you were the one
and i gave in
speechless
holding you tight
i was so sure
of love last night
even if it was
only a dream
now i know
what love means
i'm happy to know
and happy to say
i know we'll be
together one day.

long day.

everyday is a new challenge
every task is an accomplishment
every second without you
feels like a second wasted
im sick of just existing
im sick of putting the effort
into breathing
into getting out of bed
into eating
because it feels like a waste
my life feels like a waste
im stealing your air
im unworthy of taking up space
in this world any longer
memories of the past
smother any future possibilities of love
of living my life
happily.
im sick of feeling like im in your way
im sick of feeling
anything.

i've found you.

the light in your eyes
captivates me
your smile takes me to a place
higher than heaven
the clouds never hide the sun
the stars never fall out of the sky
when you hold my hand
i cant hide the happiness
it radiates from my face
like the light of the moon
it took me a while to find you
i've been through hell
i've searched and searched
and i've finally found you.
you are my heart
you are my soul
you aren't a part of my life
you ARE my life.
you are everything i live for
from day to day
the thoughts of you push me through
time spent with you
intoxicates me
the passion and the desire
i've never had a love like this
and i know i'll never ever have a love like this again.
you're one of a kind.
you place the sparkle in my eye
with a glue stick
with backwards letters
with sticky fingers
with untied shoes
with matted hair
with broken homes
with broken smiles
with broken bones
you are every child
you are the future
you are my passion
you are my love
you are my life
i've finally found you.

autumn.

the leaves are changing
so is my mind
when it comes to you
i'll leave everything behind
the temperature is dropping
with the changing of the seasons
your memories are fading
with every thought of the reasons
why we could never work
the birds fly away from the cold
but i run towards it
alone, strong, bold
ready to take on
the snow this year
freeze this city
freeze my tears
a new season
means a new me
a me that feels happy
when i can really be
everything i wanted
and everything i've hid
forgetting all my mistakes
and everything i did
when i was with you
this summer, last year
the year before and yesterday
i finally see it, dear
i finally know that now
isnt the time for you and me
and the time may never come
for you and i to be
anything more than
friends or foes
i finally get it
i finally know
and its a good feeling
to get you off my chest
i thank you for the time we've shared
and i wish you the best.

belong.

no matter how many meds they put me on or take me off of
there's nothing that can hold back my tears at 2 a.m.
nothing that can smother or ease this feeling.
this nightmare.
this depression.
i dont feel like i belong here.
i want to be someone else.
i'm trapped in this position, school, work, life.
i want to leave.
i need to move.
i need a change.
somewhere i can start over.
somewhere i might be able to be myself.
somewhere i wont know anyone.
somewhere i can be me.
new york.
pittsburgh.
seattle.
i want the city.
i want the snow.
i want to go somewhere different.
i want to start over, knowing what i know now.
where no one knows me.
i'm ready to go.
i'm ready to find where i belong.

drink.

i wrote this in June and didn't ever plan on posting it anywhere...but i'm overcoming my alcoholism and sharing how i thought.

as fucked up as it all may seem
my heart is slowly mending
as twisted as my mind has been
this message it is sending,
"a rebound isnt always bad...
sometimes they truly work...
you're now getting over him,
even though it hurts.
one fuck up to cover the rest
but you're feeling better, right?
just keep someone else in your thoughts
and in your bed at night.
keep him right next to you,
but always at arms length.
cover your flaws with this now
because this will be your strength
we'll start off with tequila,
vodka, whiskey, beer,
there are your friends now
they will always be here.
they will always dismiss,
disturb and distract
any memory of him
thats could be still intact
they will always clear
your mind of any thoughts
and their friendship is a rare one
it can always be bought.
smooth, nice and simple.
they are always true.
who needs a man these days
when vodka's here for you?"