R.I.P.

this post isn't a poem, it's an outpouring of every emotion i'm feeling right now. it may not make sense, but feel free to try to form something logical out of my emotional word vomit.

at this very moment
i am feeling love at its strongest
and a feeling that i'm so unfamiliar with...
i've never loathed someone, but i do.
i am in love...
with who he used to be, before he started smoking pot.
i've often asked myself
what do i love about him
and the answer is
nothing.
i dont love who he's become.
i love who he was.
the real him.
i loved him because he knew exactly what to say
at exactly the perfect moment.
he made me laugh.
he knew everything
and i mean EVERYTHING
about me
and he still loved me.
he saw every flaw that i saw
and he didnt even care.
he knew when to hold me.
he knew how to hold me.
his hand fit perfectly in mine.
he knew everything about me.
he was my first everything.
he was something great that came along
that i poured my entire life into.
my heart
my soul
my body
my passion
my time
everything.
he was the man of my dreams.
he was the biggest goof ball
but he was THE sweetest guy i've ever known
laughing with him was the most intoxicating feeling.
we cried together.
we did everything together.
i gave him every last piece of who i was.
he taught me how to love myself.
he showed me what love was.
he was the greatest teacher
the greatest counselor
the greatest friend
and the greatest boyfriend
anyone could ask for.
thats who he used to be.
thats the picture of love that i hold.
but he's dead.
that person that i was in love with
that person that i gave my life to
is dead.
he chose pot over me
thats one reason i feel terrible about myself.
he chose a petty thing
over a human being.
that is THE biggest insult in the universe.
that...
words cant even express
how horrible that makes me feel.
even today.
i cant rid my heart of this pain
all i can do
is turn on my newest cd...
full volume.
the one cd that doesnt remind me of him
and its never loud enough to drown the thoughts
i sit here driving my ear buds in my ears just trying to get a second to myself
a second to think about anything in the world but him.
i have had him on my mind every second
of every day
for the last two and a half years
and now i must put him to rest.
i need to let go of his ghost
all i have left of him
are the memories.
and those memories will haunt me
and i just pray
that God will piece my heart back together
and help me look forward.

i'm having such a hard time
because he was my comfort
where i went when i was hurting
and now i have to hurt
on my own
and i dont know how.

rest in peace
while i rest in pieces.

wish i could hate you.

i wish with everything
all that i had
that i could hate you
i want that, so bad
but my heart doesnt know
what it means to hate
and when it begins to know
its already too late
you're back and forth
you like me then you dont
and i wish i could say this
but i cant and i wont
i wont describe
the amounts of pain
that you leave behind
as you carry on in vain
i wont tell you
how much it kills me inside
to live my life
without you by my side
its the chase you want
not the amazing girl you'd catch
you look at me like
i'm just one from the batch
but i'm more than you think
i'm one of a kind
you'll search and search
but MY GOD you wont find
ANYONE as special or caring
as i
i hate that i cant hate you
i kind of wish you'd die
i wish you'd disappear
and take my pain with you
because without you around
i know i'd make it through
i hate to see you doing so well
when i miss you so much
i hate the way you talk to me
i hate how we've lost touch
i hate that i cant talk to you
when you're all that i've had
i hate that i cant hate you
because i want to SO DAMN BAD
i cant erase the memories
and i gave back all your stuff
but these feelings still haunt me
and life is still real tough
i want to learn to hate you
i want to erase you from me
i wish so much that i could hate you
because now who can i be?
everything i ever was
and everything i knew
and everything i'll ever be
will trace me back to you.
i found myself and what love was
and how to love myself
i learned how to trust another
you cant put that on a shelf
you cant push that out of your life
you live in me through this
i learned everything about who i am
from how i cry to how i kiss
i wish i could hate you
even after everything, i still don't
and no matter what you say to me
i swear to you...i wont.

faces.

my mistakes are faces
pictures, stuck in my mind
and the faces keep changing
and time after time
the pain overwhelms me
and you'd think that i'd learn
but mistakes i keep making
they make me in return
slowly drowning in bad decisions
little bit by little bit
and my heart keeps on breaking
so you'd think i'd quit
but my body is not resisting
and my will power is weak
so i stumble to his bedroom
so vulnerable and cheap
and as much as i cry
when i lay here at night
i want so bad to change things
cause only i can make it right
but the mistakes keep on piling
and i feel like a tramp
but i cant walk away
from his memory, i cant!
so once again i lie here
his hands grasping my wrists
and my conscious keeps on screaming
and my heart is so pissed
but my body just lies there
lifeless and dead
and faces keep scrolling
with names in my head
i want so badly to walk away
and i want so badly to quit
but no matter how much i convince myself
i'll never be over it.

everything i've wanted to say.

this is everything
i've ever wanted to say
you text ME 7 times
while i was away.
i was forgetting you
but you sought me out
you poured out your heart
what was that all about?
you didnt mean it.
you cant just change your mind.
you lead me on.
one of these days i hope you find,
your heart will break
your eyes will well
you'll feel like i do
pure, firey hell.
i hope so much
that one day you see
the way you lied, abused
and wrongly treated me.
you broke my heart
but i gave you every chance
and with every chance
came a second glance
at what you wanted
or didnt want
you'd fake it
you'd lie, you'd front
you'd make things up
to try to keep from hurting me
but you didnt
you ruined me.
no man is ever going to want
the traces you left behind
just bones in the dirt
are all thats left to find.
you're just a little boy
i should have known
that i couldn't trust you
with my heart on your own.
you reached out to me
and i let you back in
time and time
and time again
why couldnt you have just
left me alone?
i was just looking at pictures
sitting at home
when i get this call
saying you wanted me
you love me, you miss me and all.
you started the fire back up
and now you're walking away
i lost the only person
that understands me, today.
the love of my life
my best friend for two years
has now thrown a stick
in between the gears
i'm falling apart
because who i am
is a result of that time
when you once gave a damn.
without you in my life
nothing makes sense.
i'm lost in my own head
i'm straddling the fence.
do i just end it now?
do i go on and try?
do i live through this hell?
or give up and die?
i didnt choose to love you
that love chose me
and now i dont know
if i'm chained or i'm free.
i'm lost in who i am
i'm lost in where to go
i'm lost in everything
but you dont know.
you're living your life
perfectly fine
without a thought of me
crossing your mind.
why is this so unfair to me
but so cool with you?
do you not see what you've done?
do you not see what you do?
every morning
and every night
is constantly a battle
a never ending fight
between love and hate
for you in my brain
and it's causing
very literal pain.
i dont know how to change
my frame of mind
because the frame i once had
has left me behind.
i gave you my heart
and it meant nothing to you
now i sit here so empty
wondering whats true
you promised so much
that you've broken now
and thought after thought
i cant think of how
anyone with half a heart
could do this to anyone
you're such a cold bastard
just up and being done.
how dare you
have the audacity to
hate the only one
who loves you...like i do.
you're satan in my eyes
and you always will be
i hate you for this.
you mean nothing to me.

reality.

i've said goodbye
time and again
but this is it
i've lost a friend
the closest i had
now the furthest away
you didnt even acknowledge
my existence today
you've been pushing
me out of your view
and it kills me
because all i see is you
call me pathetic
call me desperate
but now i'm a lonely
depressed unhappy celibate
i invited you into
the depths of my heart
because i thought you were it
now i'm falling apart
i wish i wouldn't have
given everything away
if i knew it wouldnt
last more than a day
everything i've dreamed of
has blown right out the door
now look at me...just laying here
crying on the floor
if it weren't for God
i'd think love was shit
because you gave me
a fucked up look at it
God is the only one
out of hundreds of friends
that's picked up what he's broken
time and time and time again
but He's yet to pick
this one up and fix me
i dont blame him though
it was my fault, you see
free will can be a bitch
when you fuck up everything
and now i wait...
and i wait so impaitently
for God to come in
and carry me
out of these pits
out of the dark
you're my deepest scar
you've made your mark
God's little glimmer of hope
is all i see tonight
if it weren't for Him
i'd've given up this fight
I wont say i miss you
i wont say i love you
i wont say anything
because its not true.

this morning.

depressed enough
to write again
havent written like this
since God knows when
awake...and 3 a.m.
brings nightmares
but im not sleeping
im well aware
i decipher the code
that is my mind
and i pour it out
but all i find
are used up feelings
a broken heart
a picture of love
torn apart
a crooked smile
beauty battered
everythings broken
well...everything that mattered
no amount of needle and thread
can stitch this tear
nothing can mend this heart
because you're not there
you were my love
but you werent my all
thats how im still alive
and im standing tall
im a ninteen-year-old girl
who lost all she had
to a man who walked away
..er...a little boy, my bad.
frustration brews
this pain just grows
and no one sees
so no one knows
that im still dying
you still hold my world
but i fucked it up
im just a little girl!
now i sit here this morning
alone in my bed
i cant get your picture
out of my head
the past is the past
but im not past you
no matter how many times
you remind me we're through
my heart keeps coming back
like a stray kitten to a home
the love i lost was
the only love i've ever known
"the greatest thing youll ever learn
is just to love and be loved in return"
this quote is a truth
but its also a curse
they left out a part
so i added a verse
"the greatest thing youll ever learn
is just to love and be loved in return
but its better to leave 'i love you' unspoken
because love leads the way
to a heart being broken."

no words.

theres not a song to sing
to show how i feel today
theres not a poem to recite
to reason why i feel this way
theres not a place to go
or a person to share it with
no one knows my inner thoughts
my heart, my core, my pith
theres not a word to speak
to describe this burning need
theres not a dance to dance
a breath to breathe, blood to bleed
theres not a smile to wear
nor a frown to bear
but its a shadow
that follows me anywhere.
i wish i had something, anything!
to share this feeling with you
its happy its sad its vicious its mad
its everything one could ever feel
and it drips from my pores
you make it all so real
its you that i'm feeling
your every word, thought, heed
youre the air that i breathe in
you're my every tear, dream, need.