Thursday, January 22, 2009


this post isn't a poem, it's an outpouring of every emotion i'm feeling right now. it may not make sense, but feel free to try to form something logical out of my emotional word vomit.

at this very moment
i am feeling love at its strongest
and a feeling that i'm so unfamiliar with...
i've never loathed someone, but i do.
i am in love...
with who he used to be, before he started smoking pot.
i've often asked myself
what do i love about him
and the answer is
i dont love who he's become.
i love who he was.
the real him.
i loved him because he knew exactly what to say
at exactly the perfect moment.
he made me laugh.
he knew everything
and i mean EVERYTHING
about me
and he still loved me.
he saw every flaw that i saw
and he didnt even care.
he knew when to hold me.
he knew how to hold me.
his hand fit perfectly in mine.
he knew everything about me.
he was my first everything.
he was something great that came along
that i poured my entire life into.
my heart
my soul
my body
my passion
my time
he was the man of my dreams.
he was the biggest goof ball
but he was THE sweetest guy i've ever known
laughing with him was the most intoxicating feeling.
we cried together.
we did everything together.
i gave him every last piece of who i was.
he taught me how to love myself.
he showed me what love was.
he was the greatest teacher
the greatest counselor
the greatest friend
and the greatest boyfriend
anyone could ask for.
thats who he used to be.
thats the picture of love that i hold.
but he's dead.
that person that i was in love with
that person that i gave my life to
is dead.
he chose pot over me
thats one reason i feel terrible about myself.
he chose a petty thing
over a human being.
that is THE biggest insult in the universe.
words cant even express
how horrible that makes me feel.
even today.
i cant rid my heart of this pain
all i can do
is turn on my newest cd...
full volume.
the one cd that doesnt remind me of him
and its never loud enough to drown the thoughts
i sit here driving my ear buds in my ears just trying to get a second to myself
a second to think about anything in the world but him.
i have had him on my mind every second
of every day
for the last two and a half years
and now i must put him to rest.
i need to let go of his ghost
all i have left of him
are the memories.
and those memories will haunt me
and i just pray
that God will piece my heart back together
and help me look forward.

i'm having such a hard time
because he was my comfort
where i went when i was hurting
and now i have to hurt
on my own
and i dont know how.

rest in peace
while i rest in pieces.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

wish i could hate you.

i wish with everything
all that i had
that i could hate you
i want that, so bad
but my heart doesnt know
what it means to hate
and when it begins to know
its already too late
you're back and forth
you like me then you dont
and i wish i could say this
but i cant and i wont
i wont describe
the amounts of pain
that you leave behind
as you carry on in vain
i wont tell you
how much it kills me inside
to live my life
without you by my side
its the chase you want
not the amazing girl you'd catch
you look at me like
i'm just one from the batch
but i'm more than you think
i'm one of a kind
you'll search and search
but MY GOD you wont find
ANYONE as special or caring
as i
i hate that i cant hate you
i kind of wish you'd die
i wish you'd disappear
and take my pain with you
because without you around
i know i'd make it through
i hate to see you doing so well
when i miss you so much
i hate the way you talk to me
i hate how we've lost touch
i hate that i cant talk to you
when you're all that i've had
i hate that i cant hate you
because i want to SO DAMN BAD
i cant erase the memories
and i gave back all your stuff
but these feelings still haunt me
and life is still real tough
i want to learn to hate you
i want to erase you from me
i wish so much that i could hate you
because now who can i be?
everything i ever was
and everything i knew
and everything i'll ever be
will trace me back to you.
i found myself and what love was
and how to love myself
i learned how to trust another
you cant put that on a shelf
you cant push that out of your life
you live in me through this
i learned everything about who i am
from how i cry to how i kiss
i wish i could hate you
even after everything, i still don't
and no matter what you say to me
i swear to you...i wont.