Monday, December 31, 2007


growing up
all these 19 years
listening to troubles
wiping away tears
ive never thought
about the definition
ive never researched
just made my own rendition
ive abandoned those
who needed me
ive forgotten my best
in their time of need
ive walked away
those sobbing on the floor
because i foolishly looked past
what is truly, so much more
ive never known
what a friend was, so true
not until, now
i've gotten to know you
you are the meaning
you are the epitome
you are a true friend
everything i should be
the outlining syllabus
role model, teacher
next time i'm called
maybe i'll reach her
i've learned so much
from who you are
and i thank you deeply,
for such a big heart
and for helping me
and showing me
everything i wasnt
and what i need to be.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

stupid fucking 3 a.m.

yet again
im lying here
wide awake
mind clear
muddy with thoughts
wishes, dreams
pathetic bullshit
memories and things
fucking 3 a.m.
the thoughts start to flood
my mind is racing
the anger is in my blood
im so fucking pissed off
i cant get to sleep
those fucking memories!
i tried counting sheep
i cannot get any rest
theres no fucking way
im sick of lying here
helpless, day after day
theres no way out
nothing i can do
i cant erase his face
trust me, ive tried to
im so sick of thinking
thoughts like these
ive begged and groveled
please remove them
all of them from my mind
and everyone tells me
"it'll just take time"
i fucking hate him
i hate this stupid thing too
i hate feeling this way
i hate doing what i do
i hate sitting here and thinking
of everything that was done
im so sick of fighting this fight
i get it, you won!
can i please fucking move on now?
can i please just move on?!
can you give me a break please?!
now that you're gone!?
i just want a fucking break
i just want to rest my eyes
im tired of the stupid shit
im tired of the lies
can i please remove this drama
all this shit from my head


This time away
This sweet egression
Has calmed my nerves
Removed depression
Stopped your voices
Affirming aggression
My mind has overcome
Engaging succession
The thoughts are fading
My mind’s digression
Accepting this mindset
This slight regression
Has become my life
My present obsession
And I must declare
With rhyming profession
I’ve climbed that wall
Achieved progression

Tuesday, December 25, 2007


the sun had been out
shining more and more
then the clouds rolled in
more than ever before
and this rainstorm
reined down so strong
its dark and dreary
and its lasted too long
this rainstorm has become
my life, my destiny
this rainstorm has taken
all that was left of me
the rain beats down
harder......every night
but whenever im with you
i see a light
you're a light through the storm
a beacon of hope in this hell
my rope, my ladder
out of this well
i was drowining in my sorrow
i was letting myself go
and you let down your hand
you took the time to show
that my life was worth
fighting through this rain
of dragging through this storm
of pushing through this pain
youre the only one
who is pulling me through
youre the only one who cares
and all i have is you
and i thank you so much
for being my light in this rainstorm
for bringing me out of this painstorm
for shelter and protection
and keeping me warm
you're my light in this darkness
and wish i had the right words to say
thank you for being here
right by my side
every second, of every day.

Monday, December 24, 2007


part of me knows
this is for the best
but the other part
doesn't see the rest
part of me sees
he's so wrong for me
but the other part
sees what it wants to see
part of me holds onto
foolish hope, stupid lies
part of me knows, though
when i see it in my eyes
its completely over
he loves me no more
Gods closed that window
but He's opened a door
the past is over
and theres no going back
no more holding on to
the love that i lack
part of me knows
this is how its got to be
but part of me
refuses to believe
part of me knows
ive got to move on
but that one part of me
knows youre not gone
part of me
has already let go
but part of me
is holding onto what i know
part of me is hurting
and cannot see
what the other part can
that im only hurting me
part of me wants
so much to forget you
but part of me cant
as badly as i want to
part of me still
loves all of you
and the other part
still loves you too.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

waiting room.

i sit quietly
hands clasped
mouth shut
time lapsed
waiting patiently
twiddling thumbs
watching the clock
as my feet go numb
i sit silently
on this hard chair
i wait and i wait
and nothings there
i watch the birds
and sip my drink
im waiting...and waiting
i start to think
my mind is wandering
the tears well
i shift in my chair
then the first tear fell
followed by another
like a parade
marching single file
small puddle is made
i unclasp my hands
and lower my head
crash the parade
my face turns red
i look up
to fake a smile
but no ones there
its been a while
ive been sitting here
quietly and weak
arms folded, legs crossed
someone starts to speak
i stand up slowly
lift my chin
clear my throat
force that grin
i shake his hand
he rubs my back
he says two words...
my eyes turn black
i turn around
to walk away
the tears well up
and i turn to say
my last three words
but he isnt there
the words he spoke
vanished in the air
i sat back down
on that chair
and waited and waited
still no one was there
so i crossed my legs
lowered my head
still sitting there wishing
i would be dead

Saturday, December 22, 2007


I’m not bitter
I’m just torn
I’m not suicidal
Just wish id never been born
I’m not pissy
I’m just cheerless
I’m not carefree
I’m just fearless
I’m not lonely
I’m just alone
I’m not empty-hearted
Just, no one’s home
Maybe one day
This doubt will clear
I’m not bitchy
Just sick of being here
I’m not dumb
Just slow to speak
I’m not that strong
Just not so weak
I’m not confusing
Just confused
I’m not bored
Just not amused
I’m not weary
I’m just listless
I’m not happy
I’m just restless
I’m not closed
Just not open
I’m not okayI’m still broken.

Thursday, December 20, 2007


at night is when i get loneliest
when my heart beats so loud
when i feel like im standing
all a crowd
at night is when it cuts the deepest
when my soul bleeds most
when this lonely beast
in my thoughts....finds its host
it flourishes inside of me
and breathes my air
it suffocates all hope i had
as i lash out in despair
at night is when i cry the loudest
when the piercing in my chest
becomes more than a thought
its literal, literally, at its best
my body is broken
and my eyes are black
at night is when i scream the most
how so badly i want you back
when the sun comes up
and the darkness parts
so does the emptiness
and loneliness in my heart
but as soon as the last
person goes to bed
the monsters of thought
play tag in my head
and they run uncontrollably
and they play and they fight
and they tear me apart
just like new, every night
i cannot trust myself
to be alone with me
because when that monster calls
i answer, i listen, i plea

nothing helps
no ones here
my heart is all alone

so i lie each night
and cry so hard
because no one else is home.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

ta da.

i was going to write a poem
about how i feel today
but i couldnt find the words
the right words to say
my heart is overflowing
bursting with song
feel like i belong
i wanted to tell you about
whats on my mind
but again...the words
the right ones...i cant find
i cant find the words
to describe my fire
my hope, my passion
this fuel...this desire.
i cant find the words
to tell you exactly what it is
that i feel...theres just...
theres nothing to explain this
i want to jump around
and sing it all out
at the top of my lungs
its gone, the anger...the doubt...
i want to scream it
from the mountain tops
i cant dam this river
i cant make it stop
this feeling is flowing
through my veins
its rushing through my blood
its suffocating pain
that bitterness...
that regret....
that anguish....
i can finally let
myself be me
im finally me
im finally free
this is me...
its all i can be.
im me.
i am finally fucking me.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007


after all this heartache
after all this hell
i still love you
but you cant tell
that im trying so hard
so hard to move on
but theres still something there
thats not completely gone
i started off as
a canvas, pure white
until i said yes
to you that night
standing under the stars
that night last fall
who would have thought
i fucked up that judgement call
my canvas now
has a big black blot
right in the middle
where the white is not
from that night on
different colors of paint were poured
all over that canvas
all over the floor
and i cant believe
theres no more white space
on that canvas, my heart
left these lines on my face
the depression has sunk in
and takes a toll on me
because this picture you've painted
is all that i am, all i can be
and you threw me away
in the tip of a hat, i was gone
and i try and i try
but i just cant
this canvas is mine
the painting is yours
and you say in time
things will be different
but they will not
this painting will always be yours
and that big black spot
now my canvas is ruined
you dont love me
you cant even look at this painting
id give anything to be
there holding my canvas
back at that autum night
so i could stop that fucking paint
so i could keep my canvas white
because you dont want my painting
you dont even think its good
might as well throw it away
no one wants it...who would?

Monday, December 17, 2007

never ending battle.

my head and my heart
are at war with eachother
their feelings collide
they contradict one another
no matter how hard i try
to get them alligned
they refuse my ultimatum
and im left only to find
that neither is right
but neither is wrong
neither has answers
this time now, and all along
ive known my presence
has been a mistake
and god has forgotten me
so give me a break
ive been left in the dust
as you walked away
you could care less
but i still love you, more everyday
howd i get so fucked over
in this whole situation
why am i forgotten
and cursed with damnation
whats the point
if my head isnt right
nor is my heart
why even fight?
neither will win
what should i do?
should i act like im fine?
or should i tell myself
the truth?


i hate myself for loving you
as much as i still do
i wish i could have moved right on
when we said it was through
how did you get so damn lucky
and i got so fucking screwed
howd you move on so quickly
but im still stuck in this mood
this mood of pure raging fire
i just want to try all over again
but trying to get you back
is like finding a clear m & m
its nearly fucking impossible
and theres no way to find it
you couldn't even make one
you just have to fucking quit
i dont get it at all
why did God do this to me?
why cant i be the fucking happy one?
who cares anymore, ill just leave him be
God wont give me happiness
so i guess im living for ME now
im so fucking pissed and hurt
but im done asking God how
how he could do this to me
how he could watch me fall
why he wouldn't help me out
even when i begged and all
i dont fucking get it
and im so sick of feeling this way
im so sick of looking for answers
im so sick of trying to say
that no one understands me
and now theres no point to this
my heart has been dragged along
and theres no point to even wish
to wish that i could get
that fucking second chance
God hates me and he wont even
let me dance this dance
im living for ME now
and no ones standing in my way
you can serve your God
but i'll tell you this very day
i am living this life for me
i know now what i believe
no longer will i trust your God
i'm finished being decieved.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

thank you.

here i am
hanging my head
wishing right now
i could be dead
here i am
knife in my hand
not stopping myself
from doing it again
here i am
lying in the dirt
bleeding out thinking
'no longer will i hurt'
here you are
standing over top
your shadow covering mine
you make the bleeding stop
here you are
lifting my chin
brushing the hair from my face
my only friend
here you are
dusting off my back
giving me a push
to get back on track
here you are
holding my hand
stopping myself
from doing it again
here you are
by my side
through everything
narrow and wide
here we are
standing strong
im glad to have a friend like you
you make me feel
like i belong.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

no sir.

im doing things
i never thought i could
im holding snakes
not thinking if i should
im being crazy
im being me
im living my life
im who i want to be
i am me now
i wont change for you
i cant not be me
i wont be the one who
makes herself yours
and molds her heart for you
i will be me
no matter what i do
my heart will not bend
my beliefs will not fade
i'm living MY life now
i will not upgrade
i can only be me
whether you like it or dont
dont tell me what you dislike about me
because change for you...
i wont.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

seventy times seven

seventy times seven
i will forgive
everything you've done
regretting i live
your soul in anguish
fights back at me
and tries to deny
all that i can be
no longer will i let
your words get in the way
of everything i am
im starting over today
seventy times seven
i will forget
all that has hurt me
all bars you set
one has surpassed
all that you've been
and carried me through
and been my dear friend
nothing you could say
would change this thought
this happiness, this love
you thought could be bought
seventy times seven
you were wrong all along
and now ive found someone
who makes me feel
like i belong.

capture the innocence.

every picture
of every child
i have captured
running wild
in their eyes
remains a light
of pure innocence
burning bright
that color, that glow
is what i desire
i want that innocence
relight that fire
that passion, i envy
that energy, that spark
replace this darkness
in my heart
i pray each night
Lord give back to me
that innocence, that light
set my soul free

Tuesday, December 11, 2007


guess we'll see
if it was true
you dont love me
but i still love you
youre moving on now
and i cant hold on
to what we had before
ive realized. its gone.
my heart is still aching
more than ever today
i dream and i wish
i hope and i pray
nothing seems to help
ease this pain in me
i wonder if i should
leave this world be...
it seems better off without
but maybe ill stay to spite
people like you who hate me
that would piss you off, right?


my life so empty
nothing left of my soul
and in my heart
theres a gaping hole
a hole that can be
filled to the top
if only one man
would possibly stop
my fingers are melting
into a puddle they fall
along with my hands
bones, skin and all
my arms now are fading
as is my chest
my legs are no more
i lay myself to rest
this weary soul
will live no more
the lights are turned off
lets now close the door
my face is forgotten
my rememberance is too
and no one understands
this is because of you

Monday, December 10, 2007

my way.

we each have a way
of dealing with the pain
some say im normal
some say im insane
my ways a little different
its different everyday
dont judge my views on morals
because this is my way
my way of getting by
and pushing thru this fight
my way keeps me satisfied
late into the night
and when i feel that anger
filling up my face
i pull out my way
and tear away with grace
my way is not unusual
nor is it seen as fine
but we all have our own way
of dealing in these times.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

should be sleeping

day after day
i sit in my bed
i contemplate death
as i scratch my head
somedays it sounds good
somdays not so much
people tell me
how they love me and such
sometimes i believe
sometimes i do not
but day after day
my heart holds a spot
so empty with darkness
so cold with remorse
depression is wading
this is your doing of course
what we had was beyond
all expectations of life
we had the world
i was going to be your wife
looking back now
i can finally see
what God was doing
in you and in me
he was preparing us
for this day, today
to show us what love is
and teach us its way
ive learned a hard lesson
and i still cry each night
but maybe, just maybe
someday i might
find someone
to fill up this void
in my heart and my soul
someone not annoyed
with my petty complaints
and moody response
i wish i could re-do
that is all i want
a second chance in love
knowing now what i know
with my head held high
i have these scars to show
ive been there once
and im willing once more
to open my heart
to open that door.

less than fine, more than okay

today was the day
that i finally saw
all that i have,
i have it all.
my lifes more than
him and his game
more than his bullshit
causing my shame
his words can hurt
no more of me
i am who i am
thats all i can be
i will pick up
the pieces of my soul
and put them back together
and make my heart whole
one day, ill offer a man
all that i have, all that i am
he'll love me for me
he'll take my hand
he'll treat me better
than you ever could
he'll offer me
all that he could
i deserve everything
you gave me and more
so im shutting you down
im closing the door
im turning around
and walking away
and hope you remember
today is the day
the day that i see
im more than okay
a little less than fine
dont stand in my way
im on a roll now
without you here
and soon ill be happy
and you'll be in tears.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

fuck love.

the one thing
thats so damn great
is the one thing
ive come to hate
this fucking love
its so over rated
everything about it
gets me irritated
i cant handle it
at all anymore
im building these walls
im closing this door
im walking away
from this painful feeling
im folding this hand
that life's been dealing
im sealing this vault
im shutting the gate
im stopping my heart
before its too late
never ever again
im ending this pain
im pulling the knife
im cutting these reins
its the end of the line
right now, right here
this pain is over
my mind is clear
im letting it go
love in all forms
from family to friends
to gods to yours.

this time tomorrow

this time tomorrow
i will fall apart
the reins you crack
upon my heart
break me down
more every day
i cant do this
live this way
this time tomorrow
when youre asleep
ill be pushing it harder
until its that deep
deep enough to end
this feeling inside
what would you care
if i fucking died?
you have no heart
your soul is black
so are your eyes
the love you lack
is pushing me farther
down this path
one gun, one bullet
you do the math
you put me here
in this shallow tomb
the words you speak
are salt in this wound
your careless hate
your piercing tone
you dont give a fuck
im lost and alone
keep living your life
acting like im fine
erase my face
from the back of your mind
you killed me
youre a fucking dick
the thoughts of you and i
make me so fucking sick
you want me to die?
that can be arranged
just remember this
things you say
cant be changed.

Friday, December 7, 2007

and i will keep dreaming

i dreamt today
of your face
a familliar feeling
in a familliar place
you held my hand
and kissed my lips
my arms wrapped tight
around your hips
we held eachother
and in your eyes
was a familliar vision
and to my surprise
you loved me back
it felt so right
for once in my life
it was in sight
that feeling again
something i long for
you were my friend
not just that either
but my lover too
it was how it used to be
just me and you
with long nights
and shadows dancing
with long talks
and sweet romancing
our past is over
but for that brief time
in that dream
you were mine
and i will hold tight
onto that second we had
when you were mine again
and i cant be sad
because God gave me
that moment to keep
close by my bed
to remember
right before
i go
to sleep.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

if i could paint a picture.

if i could paint a picture
of the perfect world
it'd be black and white
i'd be your perfect girl
if i could paint a future
for me and you
i'd paint our silhouettes
just us two
it would be your hand
holding mine
but this painting
only exists in my mind
you dont want me back
and i cant keep what i had
i cant move on
and thats too fucking bad
too bad for me
not so much for you
i hope to God someday
i will be able to
i would paint that picture
i would make you smirk
a masterpiece
my finest work
i could put the light
back in your eyes
id paint us forever
with no more goodbyes
no more space
no more time
i would paint your love
but i wouldnt have
to paint mine.

and it breaks my heart.

these emotions
are still confused
im not so sure
you're not being used
im not so sure
i like who you are
sometimes i wonder
if ive gone too far
if im holding on
to your hand
because its as close
as i can
am i holding yours
because i cant hold his?
am i loving you
what is this?
why am i doing
what it is i do
why am i hurting
and using you
how did i get so low
as to stab you in the back
i cant take it back
i wish i could
but theres one thing i lack
character and respect
i cant take it back

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

being a hippie never sounded so good.

they dont shave their legs
theyre high all the time
they smoke whenever they can
theyre songs never rhyme
they live on a bus
friends are easily made
pass around a blunt
put on some shades
walk around town
with no shoes on their feet
no shirt on their back
with little food to eat
respected for their kind
and cursed for their style
sounds like a deal to me
maybe ill try it for a while.

i hold my head high

ive traveled through
those hills and plains
ive battled through
the snow and rain
ive talked the talk
and fought the fight
and this time now
right here tonight
i can say for real
im proud of me
for becoming the woman
ive always wanted to be
ive another notch
in my belt of life
add another metal
another stripe
im a new person
ive won this race
i can feel it in my blood
i can see it in my face
every second now today
is as important as the last
and everything that goes by
is left there in the past
i am who i want to be
a new strong woman, am i
ill stand my ground
ill walk tall and
ill hold my head high.

8 inches.

sometimes the snow
makes me feel lonely
but this time it didnt
but it has only
snowed for one day
there are more days to go
to be hidden in this dust
to be lost in the snow
it hides my shadow
as it covers the earth
reminding each of us
of dear Christ's birth
but thats not it at all
christmas isnt the season
the snow's of itself
of only one reason
to cover my tears
to match with my heart
so cold and so wicked
and this is only the start
the season has begun
and only time will tell
what this snow will bring
will it bring me hell?
will it add to this feeling?
this miserable digression?
will it ease
or fuel this depression?
as the days get shorter
and the sun fades at noon
i'm hoping this snow
hasnt come too soon

Tuesday, December 4, 2007


this wasnt my work....this was the work of David.

Psalm 13:1-6

O Lord, how long will you forget me?
How long will you look the other way?
How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?
Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
Restore the light to my eyes, or I will die.
Don't let my enemies gloat, saying. "We have defeated him!"
Don't let them rejoice at my downfall.
But I trust in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
I will sing to the Lord
because he has been so good to me.

Monday, December 3, 2007

no tomorrows.

we have one promise
not of tomorrow, of today
of these last few hours
before the sun sinks away
we only have now
only this single minute
to make it count
to live in it
we have one try
only one chance
to walk this walk
to dance this dance
today is all we have
and all we ever will
no more waiting
no time to kill
i have this second
to decide my fate
to be myself
before it's too late
i'm alive now
i'm breathing again
who knows where i'll go
who knows when
with no tomorrows
the time is now
to pick myself up
i'll make this vow
to never get stuck
in a restless routine
i'll mean what i say
and say what i mean.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

todays the day

todays the day
it feels the worst
as if my heart
is going to burst
todays the day
i cried again
i havent done that
since who knows when
my life is broken
my eyes grew cold
my smile has faded
with no one to hold
no one to talk to
there's no one for me
there's a deep, empty hole
where my heart used to be
my world is crumbling
my head is aching
my life is over
my heart keeps breaking
theres no one here
to stop me now
just the voice in my head
telling me how
how to end this madness
relieve this pain
push back the storm clouds
and stop the rain
theres only one way out
it looks quite inviting
they're calling my name now
with thunder and lightning
im letting go
im giving in
no more burden
no more sin
todays the day
i say


who am i?
where am i?
why am i here?
whats the point?
im at the end of my shadow
the last of my breath
im feeling so empty
with no more life left
empty hands
empty hearts
no one cares
im ripped apart
where are the angels
where is the strength
why am i hollow
why am i blank
where is my savior
where is my reason
i just fade away
like the passing of a season
no one reaching out to me
no one trying to care
i search and search
but no one's there
where do i go
what do i do
why am i here
where the hell are you
i give up
theres no time
for me to fight
or finish this rhyme
i give up
i quit