Monday, September 29, 2008


no matter how many meds they put me on or take me off of
there's nothing that can hold back my tears at 2 a.m.
nothing that can smother or ease this feeling.
this nightmare.
this depression.
i dont feel like i belong here.
i want to be someone else.
i'm trapped in this position, school, work, life.
i want to leave.
i need to move.
i need a change.
somewhere i can start over.
somewhere i might be able to be myself.
somewhere i wont know anyone.
somewhere i can be me.
new york.
i want the city.
i want the snow.
i want to go somewhere different.
i want to start over, knowing what i know now.
where no one knows me.
i'm ready to go.
i'm ready to find where i belong.

Sunday, September 21, 2008


i wrote this in June and didn't ever plan on posting it anywhere...but i'm overcoming my alcoholism and sharing how i thought.

as fucked up as it all may seem
my heart is slowly mending
as twisted as my mind has been
this message it is sending,
"a rebound isnt always bad...
sometimes they truly work...
you're now getting over him,
even though it hurts.
one fuck up to cover the rest
but you're feeling better, right?
just keep someone else in your thoughts
and in your bed at night.
keep him right next to you,
but always at arms length.
cover your flaws with this now
because this will be your strength
we'll start off with tequila,
vodka, whiskey, beer,
there are your friends now
they will always be here.
they will always dismiss,
disturb and distract
any memory of him
thats could be still intact
they will always clear
your mind of any thoughts
and their friendship is a rare one
it can always be bought.
smooth, nice and simple.
they are always true.
who needs a man these days
when vodka's here for you?"


nothing seems to make sense anymore a new mistake
every hour is an hour i wish
i could erase.

i'm afraid of the future
i'm lost in the past
this life i'm not living
is moving too fast
i just need a break
to stop and think
is it worth the thought?
every kiss, every drink?
do i like how i'm living
this life i dont live?
what can i take from it
what can i give?
how can i fix things
that are so long gone
sitting at sunset
waiting for dawn
a watched sun
never rises
and i wait and i wait
the sun disguises
itself and sneaks up
when i least expect
i missed the sunrise
my life's a wreck
i've waited and waited
to appreciate the sun
but theres nothing now
no comfort, no one.
my smile's a feather
my mind's a brick
my soul's a doctor
my heart is sick
i'm living the future
far in the past
and i'm sorry, so sorry
that we didn't last
i wish i could look forward
and see a new day
but the horizons blank
so i'll walk away
back in the shadows
of my hearts demise
i'll miss you, not need you
my view's revised
i'll live in the past
because you were my heart
and i'll wallow and dwell
as it tears me apart.

Monday, September 15, 2008


i started the puzzle you gave me, today
and laughed and cried as i pieced away
building this puzzle as we're breaking apart
like shattering pieces of a broken heart
and trying to fit them back together again
to create some sort of picture, to frame in the end
like the eiffel tower puzzle we finished last year
it took us three weeks, but we didnt care
we glued it together and hung it on your door
and a few weeks later, we got a couple more
one puzzle is still lying on your desk
but pieces have been missing, it's such a mess
those missing pieces of that puzzle will never be found
like the pieces to my heart, they lie somewhere on the ground
and this puzzle you got me, reminds me of you
so when i'm finished, instead of glue
i'll tear it apart, and throw it away
because i cant bear to see it everyday
it'll remind me of you and how you've moved on
but i swear to this day, i've done nothing wrong
you blame yourself, then why cant we try?
i love you, i miss you, without you, i'd die.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

all i am.

if this is what it takes
to make you happy
i'll hide in the shadows for a while.
if i have what it takes
to hear you laugh
to make you smile...
i'll do my best
to be there when needed
and hide when i'm not.
i'm yours, baby
cause you're all that i've got.
i'm trying to compromise
my feelings for us...
but i'm just afraid
i'm feeling too much
i'll be here, waiting
open arms and all
not waiting, but ready
whenever you're ready to call.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

dont let me go.

everyday is a new struggle for us
you think by now, i'd want to give up
but my heart is still falling
more in love with you
and i know that neither of us
knows what to do
we're stuck in this cycle
of loving and leaving
these thoughts and this love
has been so deceiving
i'm lost and confused
i just want us back
but i look in the past
and see where we're at
i hate to see this
relationship die
and you're all i need
to keep it revived
i miss you and i love you
but i'm sorry to say
i can't handle this torture
of living without you everyday
i just want my baby back
the one who makes me smile
and tickles me and sings to me
and holds me for a while
the one who cares and listens
and loves me so deep
but those memories are just memories
and that's all i keep
i hate being away
and i hate seeing you sad
and i hate myself today
and i hate that i'm so bad
at making you feel better
i told you, i fuck it all up
and i guess since i dont help
i might as well give up
i'm sorry i cant make you smile
or happy anymore
i'm sorry i'm nothing but
a liar and a whore
i'm sorry that i've ruined us
and i'm sorry that i cant fix this
i'm sorry that all i need
is one more hug and kiss.
i'm sorry for this
and i dont know how
to fix it, but i love you
and i'll leave you alone now.

Sunday, September 7, 2008


i've never been good with words.
i've never been one to express what i mean very well.
things come out completely wrong.
words get twisted, meanings get reversed.
i'm just no good with words.
i'm no good with trying to tell you how i feel.
i can never find the right words to say... i say too much.
i overkill everything.
i say i'm sorry too much.
i say i love you too much.
i say i miss you too much.
i say i need you too much.
i'm suffocating you with my words and i'm sorry.
i'm sorry that i never know how to say it...
i'm sorry that i never shut up.
i'm sorry that i never leave you alone.
i'm sorry.
i'm a fuck up and i can't seem to do this right.
you already know how i feel about you... i should stop telling you, right?
i just dont want you to forget.
i just dont want you to walk out of my life forever.
i just dont want you to move on.
i can't seem to say what i mean in ten words or less...
i always say too much.
so i'm going to stop.
i'm sorry for everything...
and even though you know this...
and i remind you a hundred times a week...
i love you.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008


my head is strong
but my heart is facing
a lonely memory
your fingertips tracing
the length of my fingers
the lines of my lips
my arms and my body
my stomach and hips
my head, independent
but thoughts still flood
your face and your voice
you live in my blood
i miss you and i miss us
but it seems so far away
and i hope and my heart
longs for you everyday
the distance is more
than what you'd like it to be
and i know that i love you
and hope you love me
enough to keep trying
because i'll tell you one thing
you give me butterflies,
you make my heart sing,
your voice is my patience,
your skin is my shield,
this undying love,
may soon be reveiled,
my hopes just keep growing,
i cant keep them down,
my heart is on cloud 9,
but my head is on the ground,
a war, if you will,
between heart and head,
my head wants to stop,
but my heart says instead...
why not go for it?
whats the hold up, here?
i just...miss you, i need you
i love you, my dear.

Monday, September 1, 2008

today's the day.

my life is changing
every second
i like who i've become.
the hardships and hell
have gone over well
and now i see the sun.
tomorrows an hour...
...a minute...
...a second away...
and nothing holds
a light to
the beauty of today.
today's the day
i'm my own woman
with no one else around.
i now hold my head high
and look at the birds
no longer at the ground.
my heart isn't healed
but it's on it's way
and with happiness
and joy i can say
that finally, FINALLY
today's the day.