Sunday, December 28, 2008


my mistakes are faces
pictures, stuck in my mind
and the faces keep changing
and time after time
the pain overwhelms me
and you'd think that i'd learn
but mistakes i keep making
they make me in return
slowly drowning in bad decisions
little bit by little bit
and my heart keeps on breaking
so you'd think i'd quit
but my body is not resisting
and my will power is weak
so i stumble to his bedroom
so vulnerable and cheap
and as much as i cry
when i lay here at night
i want so bad to change things
cause only i can make it right
but the mistakes keep on piling
and i feel like a tramp
but i cant walk away
from his memory, i cant!
so once again i lie here
his hands grasping my wrists
and my conscious keeps on screaming
and my heart is so pissed
but my body just lies there
lifeless and dead
and faces keep scrolling
with names in my head
i want so badly to walk away
and i want so badly to quit
but no matter how much i convince myself
i'll never be over it.

Monday, November 24, 2008

everything i've wanted to say.

this is everything
i've ever wanted to say
you text ME 7 times
while i was away.
i was forgetting you
but you sought me out
you poured out your heart
what was that all about?
you didnt mean it.
you cant just change your mind.
you lead me on.
one of these days i hope you find,
your heart will break
your eyes will well
you'll feel like i do
pure, firey hell.
i hope so much
that one day you see
the way you lied, abused
and wrongly treated me.
you broke my heart
but i gave you every chance
and with every chance
came a second glance
at what you wanted
or didnt want
you'd fake it
you'd lie, you'd front
you'd make things up
to try to keep from hurting me
but you didnt
you ruined me.
no man is ever going to want
the traces you left behind
just bones in the dirt
are all thats left to find.
you're just a little boy
i should have known
that i couldn't trust you
with my heart on your own.
you reached out to me
and i let you back in
time and time
and time again
why couldnt you have just
left me alone?
i was just looking at pictures
sitting at home
when i get this call
saying you wanted me
you love me, you miss me and all.
you started the fire back up
and now you're walking away
i lost the only person
that understands me, today.
the love of my life
my best friend for two years
has now thrown a stick
in between the gears
i'm falling apart
because who i am
is a result of that time
when you once gave a damn.
without you in my life
nothing makes sense.
i'm lost in my own head
i'm straddling the fence.
do i just end it now?
do i go on and try?
do i live through this hell?
or give up and die?
i didnt choose to love you
that love chose me
and now i dont know
if i'm chained or i'm free.
i'm lost in who i am
i'm lost in where to go
i'm lost in everything
but you dont know.
you're living your life
perfectly fine
without a thought of me
crossing your mind.
why is this so unfair to me
but so cool with you?
do you not see what you've done?
do you not see what you do?
every morning
and every night
is constantly a battle
a never ending fight
between love and hate
for you in my brain
and it's causing
very literal pain.
i dont know how to change
my frame of mind
because the frame i once had
has left me behind.
i gave you my heart
and it meant nothing to you
now i sit here so empty
wondering whats true
you promised so much
that you've broken now
and thought after thought
i cant think of how
anyone with half a heart
could do this to anyone
you're such a cold bastard
just up and being done.
how dare you
have the audacity to
hate the only one
who loves i do.
you're satan in my eyes
and you always will be
i hate you for this.
you mean nothing to me.

Sunday, November 16, 2008


i've said goodbye
time and again
but this is it
i've lost a friend
the closest i had
now the furthest away
you didnt even acknowledge
my existence today
you've been pushing
me out of your view
and it kills me
because all i see is you
call me pathetic
call me desperate
but now i'm a lonely
depressed unhappy celibate
i invited you into
the depths of my heart
because i thought you were it
now i'm falling apart
i wish i wouldn't have
given everything away
if i knew it wouldnt
last more than a day
everything i've dreamed of
has blown right out the door
now look at me...just laying here
crying on the floor
if it weren't for God
i'd think love was shit
because you gave me
a fucked up look at it
God is the only one
out of hundreds of friends
that's picked up what he's broken
time and time and time again
but He's yet to pick
this one up and fix me
i dont blame him though
it was my fault, you see
free will can be a bitch
when you fuck up everything
and now i wait...
and i wait so impaitently
for God to come in
and carry me
out of these pits
out of the dark
you're my deepest scar
you've made your mark
God's little glimmer of hope
is all i see tonight
if it weren't for Him
i'd've given up this fight
I wont say i miss you
i wont say i love you
i wont say anything
because its not true.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

this morning.

depressed enough
to write again
havent written like this
since God knows when
awake...and 3 a.m.
brings nightmares
but im not sleeping
im well aware
i decipher the code
that is my mind
and i pour it out
but all i find
are used up feelings
a broken heart
a picture of love
torn apart
a crooked smile
beauty battered
everythings broken
well...everything that mattered
no amount of needle and thread
can stitch this tear
nothing can mend this heart
because you're not there
you were my love
but you werent my all
thats how im still alive
and im standing tall
im a ninteen-year-old girl
who lost all she had
to a man who walked away little boy, my bad.
frustration brews
this pain just grows
and no one sees
so no one knows
that im still dying
you still hold my world
but i fucked it up
im just a little girl!
now i sit here this morning
alone in my bed
i cant get your picture
out of my head
the past is the past
but im not past you
no matter how many times
you remind me we're through
my heart keeps coming back
like a stray kitten to a home
the love i lost was
the only love i've ever known
"the greatest thing youll ever learn
is just to love and be loved in return"
this quote is a truth
but its also a curse
they left out a part
so i added a verse
"the greatest thing youll ever learn
is just to love and be loved in return
but its better to leave 'i love you' unspoken
because love leads the way
to a heart being broken."

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

no words.

theres not a song to sing
to show how i feel today
theres not a poem to recite
to reason why i feel this way
theres not a place to go
or a person to share it with
no one knows my inner thoughts
my heart, my core, my pith
theres not a word to speak
to describe this burning need
theres not a dance to dance
a breath to breathe, blood to bleed
theres not a smile to wear
nor a frown to bear
but its a shadow
that follows me anywhere.
i wish i had something, anything!
to share this feeling with you
its happy its sad its vicious its mad
its everything one could ever feel
and it drips from my pores
you make it all so real
its you that i'm feeling
your every word, thought, heed
youre the air that i breathe in
you're my every tear, dream, need.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


your lips still taste faintly of lust
i still sense passion in your touch
your eyes still glow with love
i've longed, i've tried, i've missed this so much
when you kiss me on the cheek
you're adding fuel to the fire
when you hold my body close to yours
you cant smother the desire
i can see it in your smile
and while i'm laying on your chest
twirl your fingers through my hair
we've fought, we've lost, we've been a mess
i know the past cannot be changed
i also know these feelings stayed the same
through everything we've dealt with
on your lips lingers only my name
our bodies fit together like pieces of a puzzle
as do our lips when you kiss me
i know you're thinking it
just tell me that you miss me.

Sunday, October 19, 2008


jump off swings
lets climb trees
pee our pants
and scrape our knees
let hopscotch
lets jump rope
before the beer
the sex, the dope
lets play kickball
we'll dance and play
we'll smile and sing
and laugh all day
lets color a picture
lets play dolls
boys are gross
no talking in the halls
lets pass notes
lets trade shoes
lets be glad we dont
understand the news
lets hand clap
lets sing songs
lets be friends
all day long
lets hug our teacher
lets smile and wave
unknowing to ourselves
that we're strong and brave
we'll cut our own hair
and make our own games
act like we drive the car
we'll make up our own names
we're six years old
with the world at our feet
"oh the places we'll go
oh the people we'll meet."

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

man of my dreams.

if stars give back
if dreams come true
i'm glad to say
there is a you
i've doubted
i've believed
you were there
and i was relieved
you haunt my dreams
night by night
everything about you
felt so right
i knew right then
that you were him
you were the one
and i gave in
holding you tight
i was so sure
of love last night
even if it was
only a dream
now i know
what love means
i'm happy to know
and happy to say
i know we'll be
together one day.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

long day.

everyday is a new challenge
every task is an accomplishment
every second without you
feels like a second wasted
im sick of just existing
im sick of putting the effort
into breathing
into getting out of bed
into eating
because it feels like a waste
my life feels like a waste
im stealing your air
im unworthy of taking up space
in this world any longer
memories of the past
smother any future possibilities of love
of living my life
im sick of feeling like im in your way
im sick of feeling

Monday, October 6, 2008

i've found you.

the light in your eyes
captivates me
your smile takes me to a place
higher than heaven
the clouds never hide the sun
the stars never fall out of the sky
when you hold my hand
i cant hide the happiness
it radiates from my face
like the light of the moon
it took me a while to find you
i've been through hell
i've searched and searched
and i've finally found you.
you are my heart
you are my soul
you aren't a part of my life
you ARE my life.
you are everything i live for
from day to day
the thoughts of you push me through
time spent with you
intoxicates me
the passion and the desire
i've never had a love like this
and i know i'll never ever have a love like this again.
you're one of a kind.
you place the sparkle in my eye
with a glue stick
with backwards letters
with sticky fingers
with untied shoes
with matted hair
with broken homes
with broken smiles
with broken bones
you are every child
you are the future
you are my passion
you are my love
you are my life
i've finally found you.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008


the leaves are changing
so is my mind
when it comes to you
i'll leave everything behind
the temperature is dropping
with the changing of the seasons
your memories are fading
with every thought of the reasons
why we could never work
the birds fly away from the cold
but i run towards it
alone, strong, bold
ready to take on
the snow this year
freeze this city
freeze my tears
a new season
means a new me
a me that feels happy
when i can really be
everything i wanted
and everything i've hid
forgetting all my mistakes
and everything i did
when i was with you
this summer, last year
the year before and yesterday
i finally see it, dear
i finally know that now
isnt the time for you and me
and the time may never come
for you and i to be
anything more than
friends or foes
i finally get it
i finally know
and its a good feeling
to get you off my chest
i thank you for the time we've shared
and i wish you the best.

Monday, September 29, 2008


no matter how many meds they put me on or take me off of
there's nothing that can hold back my tears at 2 a.m.
nothing that can smother or ease this feeling.
this nightmare.
this depression.
i dont feel like i belong here.
i want to be someone else.
i'm trapped in this position, school, work, life.
i want to leave.
i need to move.
i need a change.
somewhere i can start over.
somewhere i might be able to be myself.
somewhere i wont know anyone.
somewhere i can be me.
new york.
i want the city.
i want the snow.
i want to go somewhere different.
i want to start over, knowing what i know now.
where no one knows me.
i'm ready to go.
i'm ready to find where i belong.

Sunday, September 21, 2008


i wrote this in June and didn't ever plan on posting it anywhere...but i'm overcoming my alcoholism and sharing how i thought.

as fucked up as it all may seem
my heart is slowly mending
as twisted as my mind has been
this message it is sending,
"a rebound isnt always bad...
sometimes they truly work...
you're now getting over him,
even though it hurts.
one fuck up to cover the rest
but you're feeling better, right?
just keep someone else in your thoughts
and in your bed at night.
keep him right next to you,
but always at arms length.
cover your flaws with this now
because this will be your strength
we'll start off with tequila,
vodka, whiskey, beer,
there are your friends now
they will always be here.
they will always dismiss,
disturb and distract
any memory of him
thats could be still intact
they will always clear
your mind of any thoughts
and their friendship is a rare one
it can always be bought.
smooth, nice and simple.
they are always true.
who needs a man these days
when vodka's here for you?"


nothing seems to make sense anymore a new mistake
every hour is an hour i wish
i could erase.

i'm afraid of the future
i'm lost in the past
this life i'm not living
is moving too fast
i just need a break
to stop and think
is it worth the thought?
every kiss, every drink?
do i like how i'm living
this life i dont live?
what can i take from it
what can i give?
how can i fix things
that are so long gone
sitting at sunset
waiting for dawn
a watched sun
never rises
and i wait and i wait
the sun disguises
itself and sneaks up
when i least expect
i missed the sunrise
my life's a wreck
i've waited and waited
to appreciate the sun
but theres nothing now
no comfort, no one.
my smile's a feather
my mind's a brick
my soul's a doctor
my heart is sick
i'm living the future
far in the past
and i'm sorry, so sorry
that we didn't last
i wish i could look forward
and see a new day
but the horizons blank
so i'll walk away
back in the shadows
of my hearts demise
i'll miss you, not need you
my view's revised
i'll live in the past
because you were my heart
and i'll wallow and dwell
as it tears me apart.

Monday, September 15, 2008


i started the puzzle you gave me, today
and laughed and cried as i pieced away
building this puzzle as we're breaking apart
like shattering pieces of a broken heart
and trying to fit them back together again
to create some sort of picture, to frame in the end
like the eiffel tower puzzle we finished last year
it took us three weeks, but we didnt care
we glued it together and hung it on your door
and a few weeks later, we got a couple more
one puzzle is still lying on your desk
but pieces have been missing, it's such a mess
those missing pieces of that puzzle will never be found
like the pieces to my heart, they lie somewhere on the ground
and this puzzle you got me, reminds me of you
so when i'm finished, instead of glue
i'll tear it apart, and throw it away
because i cant bear to see it everyday
it'll remind me of you and how you've moved on
but i swear to this day, i've done nothing wrong
you blame yourself, then why cant we try?
i love you, i miss you, without you, i'd die.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

all i am.

if this is what it takes
to make you happy
i'll hide in the shadows for a while.
if i have what it takes
to hear you laugh
to make you smile...
i'll do my best
to be there when needed
and hide when i'm not.
i'm yours, baby
cause you're all that i've got.
i'm trying to compromise
my feelings for us...
but i'm just afraid
i'm feeling too much
i'll be here, waiting
open arms and all
not waiting, but ready
whenever you're ready to call.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

dont let me go.

everyday is a new struggle for us
you think by now, i'd want to give up
but my heart is still falling
more in love with you
and i know that neither of us
knows what to do
we're stuck in this cycle
of loving and leaving
these thoughts and this love
has been so deceiving
i'm lost and confused
i just want us back
but i look in the past
and see where we're at
i hate to see this
relationship die
and you're all i need
to keep it revived
i miss you and i love you
but i'm sorry to say
i can't handle this torture
of living without you everyday
i just want my baby back
the one who makes me smile
and tickles me and sings to me
and holds me for a while
the one who cares and listens
and loves me so deep
but those memories are just memories
and that's all i keep
i hate being away
and i hate seeing you sad
and i hate myself today
and i hate that i'm so bad
at making you feel better
i told you, i fuck it all up
and i guess since i dont help
i might as well give up
i'm sorry i cant make you smile
or happy anymore
i'm sorry i'm nothing but
a liar and a whore
i'm sorry that i've ruined us
and i'm sorry that i cant fix this
i'm sorry that all i need
is one more hug and kiss.
i'm sorry for this
and i dont know how
to fix it, but i love you
and i'll leave you alone now.

Sunday, September 7, 2008


i've never been good with words.
i've never been one to express what i mean very well.
things come out completely wrong.
words get twisted, meanings get reversed.
i'm just no good with words.
i'm no good with trying to tell you how i feel.
i can never find the right words to say... i say too much.
i overkill everything.
i say i'm sorry too much.
i say i love you too much.
i say i miss you too much.
i say i need you too much.
i'm suffocating you with my words and i'm sorry.
i'm sorry that i never know how to say it...
i'm sorry that i never shut up.
i'm sorry that i never leave you alone.
i'm sorry.
i'm a fuck up and i can't seem to do this right.
you already know how i feel about you... i should stop telling you, right?
i just dont want you to forget.
i just dont want you to walk out of my life forever.
i just dont want you to move on.
i can't seem to say what i mean in ten words or less...
i always say too much.
so i'm going to stop.
i'm sorry for everything...
and even though you know this...
and i remind you a hundred times a week...
i love you.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008


my head is strong
but my heart is facing
a lonely memory
your fingertips tracing
the length of my fingers
the lines of my lips
my arms and my body
my stomach and hips
my head, independent
but thoughts still flood
your face and your voice
you live in my blood
i miss you and i miss us
but it seems so far away
and i hope and my heart
longs for you everyday
the distance is more
than what you'd like it to be
and i know that i love you
and hope you love me
enough to keep trying
because i'll tell you one thing
you give me butterflies,
you make my heart sing,
your voice is my patience,
your skin is my shield,
this undying love,
may soon be reveiled,
my hopes just keep growing,
i cant keep them down,
my heart is on cloud 9,
but my head is on the ground,
a war, if you will,
between heart and head,
my head wants to stop,
but my heart says instead...
why not go for it?
whats the hold up, here?
i just...miss you, i need you
i love you, my dear.

Monday, September 1, 2008

today's the day.

my life is changing
every second
i like who i've become.
the hardships and hell
have gone over well
and now i see the sun.
tomorrows an hour...
...a minute...
...a second away...
and nothing holds
a light to
the beauty of today.
today's the day
i'm my own woman
with no one else around.
i now hold my head high
and look at the birds
no longer at the ground.
my heart isn't healed
but it's on it's way
and with happiness
and joy i can say
that finally, FINALLY
today's the day.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008


no more games.
you said it.
you arent good enough for me.
i deserve to be treated better.
i dont deserve to be lead on.
i have feelings.
i deserve someone who respects those feelings.
i have talents.
i have skills.
i have the world, but i wont give it to you anymore.
you had your chance.
cry all you want.
you fucked up.
invite me to your pity party.
i wont show.
you ruined it, not me.
its taken me three tries to figure this out.
third time's a charm.
i'm walking up those stairs.
in the apartment building i call life.
its taken me 19 years but i'm on the 8th story.
all those stairs.
im getting somewhere.
and there you are...
pulling the fire alarm.
trying to get me to run out.
fuck it.
if there really is a fire.
if this time it's not the boy crying wolf.
i'll burn.
because you ruined me.
you tortured me with your mind games.
your heartless mind games.
so youre sick?
karma, fucker.
go to hell.

Sunday, August 24, 2008


you think it makes you happy
but it really doesn't work.
you think you're funny when you're high
but you're actually a jerk.
you dont give a fuck about anything
not your friends, me or you.
i hate the person you become
i hate the things you do.
i hate that your body withdrawls
when you stop it for a while.
i hate that you cry and sweat
and slump into a pile.
i hate the shit you put me through
when you really want to smoke.
i'm not going to put up with it
to me, you're just a joke.
get over weed or get over me
because i'm done with your shit.
i dont deserve to deal with this
i swear to you, this is it.

Monday, August 18, 2008

old school.

December 2005

shallow thinking
of shallow minds
reaps shallow words
and in due time
the shallow people
and shallow thoughts
will breed more hate
and will be taught
to shallow children
with shallow lives
by shallow husbands
with shallow wives
and every man
with half a brain
will see how shallow
and how insane
it is to be
this shallow here
but nothing and no one
will change you, dear.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008


happiness is like building a house on a moutain.
you begin with a foundation...
adding one brick at a time.
carrying that brick up that mountain.
everyday is another brick.
keep adding and adding.
you've formed a wall.
begin the second.
one more brick.
friends come along...
helping you carry more bricks.
friends carry the load.
friends build the house.
storms come through...
a few bricks fall.
struggling to put the bricks
back upon the wall.
homeless and waiting
for these walls to be built.
one more day, one more brick.
working in the sun
beaming, beating down
sweating, screaming
carrying these bricks.
hungry and tired.
carrying these bricks.
second wall...
third wall...
keep adding the bricks.
take a step back,
have a look.
three walls built.
three walls strong.
proud, excited, encouraged.
pushing and pushing
to carry more bricks.
one night
while you're asleep
an unwanted visitor
unbuilds your house.
bricks rolling down
the face of the mountain.
few bricks left
sitting on the foundation
excited carrying that brick
up that mountain
almost finished building the wall
the house.
you see it.
its broken.
all that work.
all those days, all those bricks.
what else can you do?
start rebuilding.
one brick at a time.
every day
one more brick.
up that mountain.
you build and build...
and right when you're almost finished...
that same unwanted visitor...
pays you an unwanted visit.
this happens
time and again.
a vicious cycle.
you don't want to build anymore.
fuck it.
what's the point?
you'll never get it...
a house....
whats the fucking point?

Friday, August 8, 2008

Haiti song.

If i had a dime for...

every banana leaf hut
and every little black butt
that i saw walkin through the street
on every mountain we'd climb
we weren't surprised to find
they had no shoes upon their feet
they like playing games
and singing songs
this is what to say
when they say sing along
you say:
"i'm so happy with you beside me,
i'm so happy with you.
i'm so happy with you beside me
i'm so happy with you."
between the picklies
and the tickling
theres no time to sit and rest
with the sun so bright
they're working all night
we should see, how we are blessed
they like giggling
and singing songs
this is what to say
when they say sing along
you say:
"i'm so happy with you beside me,
i'm so happy with you.
i'm so happy with you beside me
i'm so happy with you."
all we need is love
and guidance from above
yeah and i know, that i'll be fine
we'll gather every voice
and watch the world rejoice
if you just put your hand in mine
we like holding hands
and singing songs
this is what you say
when we say sing along
you say:
"i'm so happy with you beside me,
i'm so happy with you.
i'm so happy with you beside me,
i'm so happy with you.
i'm so happy with you beside me,
i'm so happy with you.
i'm so happy with you beside me,
i'm so happy with you."

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

past this.

you caused me tears
every single day
and flipped me off
as i walked away
and my tears could fill
ten thousand lakes
and i could kill myself
for all my mistakes
but instead of fade
ill learn to fly
away from you
past your lying eyes
and my lips will spill
no more of your name
and i wont hide my face
i will not be ashamed
my heart of glass
you once shattered
has turned to stone
after you bruised and battered
and you spat on me
and cursed my days
but i held my head high
as i walked away
and i picked it up
all that was left of me
and i made my heart
a new masterpiece
i'll keep walking on
and i will NOT look back
you're not worth my time
my dignity, intact
your words will no longer
hinder my strength
i'll keep your manipulation
far past arms length
i've burned your pictures
and face from my mind
i'm serious about this,
i'm done, this time.

Thursday, July 24, 2008


sitting across the room
looking into my eyes
sliding your hands
slowly up my thighs
moving your hand
up my shoulder, my neck
the feelings that you're creating
impossible to reject.
run your fingers through my hair
take me in your arms
satan hides behind your eyes
and pain behind your charm
hold me close and whisper
how beautiful i am
run your fingers down my arm
smooth, into my hand
lead me places i've never been
and guide me with your lips
my skin feels soft, unraveling
beneath your finger tips
you know the things that make me melt
and use them as a trap
unzip this and unbutton that
as i untie, slip off and unstrap
my innocence is shattered
like a mirror in a war
i dare not tell a single soul
they know what ive done before
your sly eyes undress me
your hands follow their lead
my soul is pouring from my eyes
but my face is hard to read
ill hide the terror with a smile
and go along with this
you own me: body, heart and soul
with every single kiss
the strength that was growing
is now just mental roadkill
let the walls down around my heart
do with me what you will
just another door mat
just another day
im nothing more than this to you
i'm a fuck up, what can i say?

Friday, July 18, 2008

lesson learned.

regret is a lesson
dreaded to be taught
dreaded to be learned
leaves you hurt and distraught
one, too many drinks
plus one lonely heart
leaves your memory to guess
tearing you apart
regret is a lesson
that everyone must learn
i really wish i hadn't
but i guess it was my turn
i fucked up, big time
and i cant take it back
but i'm punishing myself enough
please, cut me some slack
every time i see his face
every time i see that mark
i realize what i gave away
a very huge piece of my heart
it meant nothing to you
i'm just piece of meat
i'm just another speck of dirt
on the bottom of your feet
you'll walk all over me
and you won't even notice
you'll always have my heart
but you won't ever know this
just a drunken little girl
with a lesson yet to be taught
and who better to teach me
then you, a gentleman (i thought)
you taught me how to lie
and you taught me how to regret
i'll burn this memory from my mind
but i swear i wont forget.

Saturday, July 12, 2008


i try to sleep
to dull the ache
hours on end
i lie awake
the words replay
a vivid scene
my heart break played
on a movie screen
keep bashing me down
everyone can see
in front of their faces
yep, that's me
fucking up
and getting fucked
now fuck off
and the best of luck
i hope the next
isnt as stupid as me
i hope shes skeptical
i hope she'll see
because you've fucked me once
you'll do it again
your bad judgement calls
rub off on your friends
so i guess this is a lesson
you've finally showed me
how worthless i really am
you've lied when you said he
didn't know what he was saying
when he talked me down
made me cry
without a sound
you told me i was better
but i know better now
i dont know how i didn't see it
i really dont know how.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008


I'm not going to let
the memories of you
tear me apart
i've got better things to do.
i'm not going to dwell
on the good or the bad
i will not reminisce
of the love that we had.
I will scrape up all
thats left of me
off of the floor
i wont let you see
the tears roll down
my cold, empty cheek
i wont bitch or yell
i'll be humble and meek
i'll walk away with pride
everything i have left in me
i'll hold my head high
i still have my dignity.
yeah, i fucked up.
its what i do.
but baby this wasnt me
this was all you.
this was your choice
your fucked up call
you could have this
i could give you it all
but son, its over
and its your fucking loss
so i'll wipe my tears
because i am the boss
you think you own me
let me shoot you some news
boy, i'm i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t
this is less than a bruise
with time it will fade
along with your face
no longer in my head
no more shame or disgrace
this is it and i'm not crying
because he'll give a fuck.
my prince is still waiting
but honey, you're stuck.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

don't break my heart.

i guess i'm not pretty
i guess i'm not smart
i guess i didnt give
enough of my heart
i guess i'm not anything
worthy of love
i guess you showed me
what i'm made of
i guess i'm not funny
i guess i'm not nice
i guess you're hearts
a heartless device
i guess my eyes shadowed
the smile on your face
i guess you could guess
im in a desolate place
i guess you'll move on
i guess i will too
but i dont want anyone
in this whole world, but you
i guess i'll be happy
one of these days
i guess i'll forget you
and all of the ways...
that you touched me
and played with my hair
you knew me every bit of me
to me, this is not fair
how you just sit at home
and ignore everything
while i'm lying in bed
crying and reveling
in the joy that we once had
when i put light in your eyes
but that light has now faded
two years, i'm surprised
i never thought that THIS
is what would end us this time.
i never thought a fucking game
would change your fucking mind.
i feel left out and lonely
and its YOU we can blame
for blocking out the one you loved
for one fucking game.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008


when i'm alone...
...which is all the time
my hearts too low
to even rhyme.
i try doing hobbies
but theres nothing at all
that can occupy my time
while i wait for you to call
every time i'm alone... heart is so low
that my eyes lose their color
my face, its glow
is it too much to ask
for one fucking friend
just one fucking person
to lend me a hand
i just want two eyes
looking into mine
i dont care who
ANYONE would be fine
someone who will call me
to ask how i am
and i write this poem
as my eyes tear up
because i finally realized
i wont cheer up
as many times as you tell me
ill still be alone
sitting in silence
staring at my phone
waiting for someone
ANYONE to call
to ask to hang out
maybe go to the mall
this is why i miss college
because all of those girls
gave a crap about me...
were a part of my world
i feel so fucking low
like nobody really cares
is there a sign on my head?
"asshole: beware"
do i scare people away?
is that what i do?
why the fuck cant i find
someone who needs me too?
i feel like i have no one
and no one has me
and i dont want to live in this world
if that's how its going to be.

Monday, April 28, 2008


my head is shaken
my hands are too
i need to rewind
go back to you
2005 :)
boy what a year
when we met
and it took us here
we were obsessed
we talked every night
best friends FOREVER!
hah...yeah right.
we stayed up until five
every single day
laughing and joking
and typing away
we both saved every
conversation we've ever shared
but now that's over
that damage has yet to be repaired
you moved one time
then moved again
and we'd talk and chat
only every now and then
then every now and then
turned into less and less
and less kept descending
until it became a mess
just a few "hello" and "how are ya"s
maybe three times a year
and now i look at us
theres NOTHING here
we never talk anymore
and i miss our late night chats
and our music talk
and our silly spats
i miss everything about
those endless hours
when i was young
and we were ours
i miss john mayer
and death cab, so much
and i'm so sorry
so sorry, for losing touch
i miss our secret names
and the emails you'd send
its hard to imagine
you not as my friend
and im so sorry
i let you go
because you were amazing
and knowing what i know
i think i loved you
and you loved me too
but we've drifted apart
me, my way and you...
you changed lives
one at a time
several homeless
and mine...
i miss you
i miss your thoughts
memories like that
cannot be bought
tonight i sit here
and i rewind
listening to death cab
your face in my mind
i say good night
but not goodbye
our laughs are forever
this memory wont die.

sorry isn't enough.

nothing can compare
with what happened last night
not anything i say
not anything i write
and i know now
my apology isn't enough
to look past this act
man, this is tough
a poem means more
than diamonds or gold
because its my passion, my lyrics
my world, that you hold
and i hope this means more
than just words on a screen
i know i should mean what i say
and say what i mean
but let this be my one
exception, to my dismay
i fear i'll fuck up once more
and i can only say
i'm sorry and i'll try
my hardest, my best
but i cant promise i wont
let you down with the rest
this is me pouring my heart
into your heart, but i...
...i cant apologize enough
i still sit here and cry
because my feelings are hurt
i know yours are too
but please, please forgive me
i'll make it up to you.

Friday, April 25, 2008

heart broken.

there arent words
to describe this hate
this passionate fire
from learning my fate
i must live in this world
this desolate place
and raise my kids
with a smile on my face
but nay, i will not
sit idley by
and live this life
without tears in my eyes
i cannot hold back
this anger toward you
for letting this happen
perfection, untrue
i'm heart broken
to say the least
you're a powerful, punishing
horrible beast
what can i do
to change their ways
what do my words mean
what can i say
give me the passion
the power to change
this world gone hell-bound
mad, crazy, derranged
give me your spirit
your holy fire
to keep my heart pounding
this burning desire
i want to change this world
for my children and theirs
so they wont have anything
like this shit, to bear
they'll have true smiles
unpainted, on their face
as they appreciate how this world
has become a beautiful place.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008


i need something from you
i need your whole heart
not your eyes rolling
not a smart remark
i need something from you
can i? may i?
please! listen to me!
just look me in the eye!
your words are breaking me
your hands clasped
strong, over my lips
my lungs gasped
but gave me nothing.
i need something from you
i need something...anything, from you.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

that's fine.

i hope you say
'she was brave'
when you're dancing so freely
on the top of my grave
i hope you see
how much i'll leave
...memories in your heart
wearing my heart on your sleeve
i hope you taste
when you remember my kiss
the wet bitter taste
of pure raunchy piss
i hope you feel
my hands wrapped around
your neck, your throat
as you lay me in the ground
and i thank you for this
for all that you've done
and you'll never look back
as i come undone
i thank you for that
for waving goodbye
with a smile on your face
as i lay down to die.

Monday, April 7, 2008

thanks for nothing.

i've been holding in
what i want to say
but i'm letting you go
and oh, by the way
i've never even said
anything you've heard
i've only said i loved you
and i meant it, every word
i'm sorry this didnt work
but i'm partially glad
because i'm so damn sick
of everything we had
arguing every second
of every minute of everyday
so i finally get the chance
to say what i want to say
i wanted to tell you
that this is seriously it
i'm sick of being treated
and sick of feeling like shit
ill miss what we had
when i run across a memory
but never again will i speak your name
this will not be the death of me
ill pick myself up
off of your floor
after you've beaten me
and thrown me out the door
ill give up what i've held on to
and i'll give up what i've said
and never again will i lay eyes upon
your eyes sunk into your head
goodbye my lover, one last time
i'll say those words
to end this rhyme
goodbye my lover
my hopeful, my friend
thank you for everything
trust me, this is...
the end.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

the last thing ill say.

my apology to you
the last thing ill say
is how sorry i am
for being this way
ill never be her
no matter how hard i try
ill only be plain...
...boring me, in your eyes
her complexion is ivory
her eyes light the sky
her smile makes you smile
shes pretty, dont lie
my apology to you
is that i'm only me
i could never be her
i'm all i can be
if i'm not enough
if i cant satisfy
what standards you have
then please, say goodbye
i'm walking away
because i cant be
anything like her
i can only be me.


ive lost one friend
i never had the other
again i have no one
but they have one another
go figure i did this
its always my problem
ill keep it to myself
i wont bother them
ill take these pills
and i'll forget
what i've forgiven
and i'll regret
ill paint the smile
upon my face
as i'm broken, i'm lost
in this desolate place
and i really have nothing
i've scared you away
and its happened before
what more, can i say?
i should be used to it
being completely alone
i threw out my keys
i turned off my phone
ill lay by the window
and stare at the sky
as the night falls on
covers the light in my eyes
ill hang my head
while you hang the stars
you'll be the superstar
while i park cars
i have my acquaintences
but not you anymore
i'm sorry for who i am
i'm a bitch, i'm a whore
i'm an asshole and i'm sorry
for everything i am
i've fucked this up
and now, i dont give a damn
fuck this because i cant
take this any longer
its not true what they say
what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger
that phrase, is a lie
they dont want to say
how it really feels
to feel that way
what doesnt kill you
makes you wish you were dead
so i lie awake
with this pounding in my head
i will never forget
but i'll try to forgive
just dont ask me why
i dont want to live.

Monday, March 17, 2008

keep running.

you're running
with a mission
i place my foot
in the perfect position
i trip you
and you fall for me
you get back up
dust off your knee
i run after you
i try and try
i fix my hair
to catch your eye
you run past
without a glance
i hang my head
without a chance
but still i try
to get a look
but theres no way
you can be shook
so i sit on the stands
and i try to stop
but i cant get away
as i run to the top
i hide in the corner
and i rot away
because you run by
day after day
no matter how hard
i try to trip you
theres absolutely nothing
i can possibly do
i just want a look
some attention please!
im begging, groveling
im down on my knees
but run by
without a second thought
you cant be written
you cant be bought
so i finally give up
and i try to move on
right when i leave
is when you turn on
you look over
but its seriously, too late
i've walked past the fence
i'm closing the gate
you had your chance
with me at your feet
but you cant have me now
our eyes will never meet
ill walk away now
knowing you were it
without the time of day
yet again, i feel like shit.


out of my body
behind a tree
watching what
is happ'ning to me
i'm walking backwards
as if to say
i'm leaving this place
i'm running away
and the town resumes
its soft lullaby
as if to encourage
my last goodbye
and i keep regressing
into the grass
their emotionless tune
as the times pass
i'm still walking away
and you stand there and see
but you dont do a thing
but sing your song to me
i'm walking and screaming
tears streaming down my face
i just want you to say something
keep me here in this place
but you just keep singing
and its then that i know
all that i've put into this
it was all just for show
the patience that ive had
has all just been a waste
you've broken me the last time
and now i'm the disgrace
well keep singing your song
because i'm still walking away
i'll have no worries of memories
i wont tell you that i'm okay
i'll just disappear into the silence
as this lullaby is wishing me well
i'm leaving this place, unwanted
but that's okay, you've given me hell
you wrote me this
"thank you" i guess you could say
for breaking my heart,
and watching me walk away.

you are.

you are my sun
you are my beach
when my vacation
is out of reach
you are my birds
you are salty air
you are california
the wind, blowing in my hair
you are my ocean
you are my sunset
you are the memory
that i will never forget
you are my souvenier
you are my laughter
you are my smile
that lingers years after
you are my escape
you are my get away
you are my sailboat
you are my out today
you are my vacation
when im stuck in this town
unusually calm i drown
you are my relax
you are my break
you are my smile
impure from mistake
you are my sand
you are my sandal
you are my california
when this is too hard to handle
you are my love
and you are my star
but words arent enough
to say all that you are.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

i love you.

you heart is a forest
and mine is a fire
yours so deep and mysterious
mine full of desire
together we're a match
made in heaven, and hell
but times passed
and time does tell
your hand holding mine
is dangerous, like lightning
what we have is electric
the outcome could be frightning
side by side we're indesctructable
what we have is deep and strong
knowing what we know...
we'll forever belong
arm in arm and side by side
hand in hand and eye to eye
you're my passion, my life
your my everything and i...
i want you to know
that no matter how far
...the distance and space between
or how close that we are
you will forever be my forest
and ill forever be your fire
you'll forever be my heartsong
until the day we retire
when God calls us yonder
above the clouds and stars
i just want you to know
how precious you are.

Monday, March 10, 2008


i wish the seconds would quit
the hands would not turn
i wish the clocks would break
i wish that time would burn
i just want it to stop!
just for one day!
i just want to take a break!
i need time away
from TIME!
its ticking and tocking
and the impatience!
stupid timing and clocking
i wish the numbers would fold
i wish the hours would learn
and for me now...
they would never return
i wish the wind wouldnt blow
and the sun wouldnt rise
and i could have this moment
to review and revise
i just need to escape
from this constant thing
to see for once
what timeless means
but time after time
time will not end
time listens to no one
time will not bend
time will keep on
but ill keep wishing it away
then maybe...just maybe
i'll get my wish one day.

Friday, March 7, 2008

forgive me.

you're like a bad taste
on the tip of my tongue
you're the fly in the soup
you're the spot on the sun
you're the hair in my mouth
you're the glitch in the system
sometimes i wonder
why are you with him?
you're the wrong book
on the wrong shelf
you're the one stupid person
who cant take care of herself
you're like a fucking apple
on a fucking pear tree
you ruin everything
you've ruined me
i apologize too much
but forgive me, i'm broken
by your actions, your stares
words you couldnt leave unspoken
you're the wrong colored bead
on that bracelet i made
you broke the pattern
you broke the braid
you left those beads
strewn across the floor
and no one can pick them up
before they roll under the door
into that room
where you ripped out my eyes
and made me your own
you're my disguise
you made me who you want
but who i dont, want to be
you've changed everything
and now, i'm not me.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

my life apology.

i've learned one thing
about me, myself
that i shove you aside
like a bible on a shelf
no matter how selfless i say
that i am, i am not
i am ANYTHING but...
i'm all i've got.
i act like YOURE selfish
i act like YOURE to blame
but i'm the professional
at this fucking blame game
i'm the selfish one
i'm so wrong to say
that you're the one
who wants your way
this world revolves
around ONLY ME!
only my life...
that's how its gonna be
but i'm sick of it
i hate being me
i hate being everything
i dont want to be
i hate saying one thing
but doing another
its like i've no humility
no humble cover
i'm sorry for this
and for what i've become
i'm sorry for what ive said
and all that i've (not) done
this is a look at me
through your eyes
i'm shocked, ashamed
and a bit surprised
i'm sorry...very sorry
and i'll change i swear
it's humbling to see
that you still care
after all i've said
after all i've broken
no more of that, now
your eyes have spoken
i'll sweep up this dust
i've blanketed on you
and i'll change who i am
what i say and what i do.
i'm sorry.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008


i guess this is it
the reason for my rhyme
i'm trying, so hard...
to just...give it time.
its so hard for me
being here alone
not touching your face
not talking on the phone
not kissing your lips
or seeing that light
that was forever in
your eyes, but tonight
it seems that lights faded
and tomorrows blind
and i'm hard
to just...give it time.
i cant handle this war
this hatred, and i'm so
sick and tired of this
and you say you dont know
but you do know
you dont want to
but this is the one thing
that i need from you
give me this right now
and ill give you the sun
this is all i have to offer
if all else fails, i'll just run
i'll run back to where i was
long before you came
when i lay in my closet
sobering into my shame
ill be back at that spot
sitting in my window
downing those pills
just watching the wind blow
ill be hiding away
holding that knife
cursing and screaming
and hating my life
ill just be back
in that place
before i knew you
before your face
placed itself
inside of my mind
i'm trying...and trying...
to just...give it time...
but meanwhile
while i'm sitting here blue
i need one thing
just ONE THING from you
i need your hand
holding mine
as i stare out this window
and i just give it time.


i lay in my tub
double fisted knife
tears fill it up
sick of this life
sick of my heart
its betrayed me again
its pulling me away
from my best friend
its my head vs my heart
theres no way around
theres no answer to this
my head falls to the ground
im staring at the floor
i lift my weapon to strike
you knock on the door
and itll be alright...
i have a feeling of peace
you tell me to get up
i struggle, i fight
and just when i give up
you grasp my arm
and remove my fate
a second wind
when i thought it was too late
this is no answer
to life's hard times
this is no way
to finish your rhymes
this is no way
all you can do
is struggle....
and fight your way through.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008


when i hear your name
air escapes my chest
when i wake every morning
and i feel i still need rest
its because i was up all night
thinking of your face
of your lips pressed to mine
one exact time and place
when i hear your voice
a smile stretches from ear to ear
and i cant help but wish
you could be right here
when i smell your shirt
when we embrace a long farewell
when i lean my head on yours
i know only time will tell
if your loves as true as mine
if this is meant to last
if we should be together
or should have left it in the past
im sorry that all i can say
is 'it takes a lot of time'
because thats unsettling
and leaves unpeace of mind
but through it all, hard and soft
the rocks and rills, good and bad
i'm positive when i say
your love is all i have.


i'm sitting here
eyes welling
face burning
heart swelling
i'm on the brink
of a thousand tears
washing down
these droughted fears
i'm sitting here
chest pounding
teeth grinding
silence surrounding
i'm on the brink
of giving up on you
of leaving here
starting fresh and new
i'm sitting here
tongue lashing
fist throwing
teeth gnashing
i'm on the brink
of fucking screaming
straight in your face
if i were dreaming...
i'd be sitting here
actually feeling fine!
no thoughts of you
rushing my mind
i'd be sitting here
happy as can be
but i'm not fucking dreaming
this is too real to me.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

just a pretty face.

you're the prettiest
face, i recall
but you blew it
you threw it all
away, its gone
down the drain
your boobs replaced
all of your brain
you really are
the prettiest face
but your heart
is in a desolate place
you think youre living
but you're washed out
you've lost all site
of what life's about
your face may be pretty
but you live a sad life
you'll be a sad mother
you'll be a bad wife
you'll never settle
because you think
you've got it all now
its okay. have another drink.
you're the prettiest face
i'll ever know
but in the end
you'll have nothing to show

Monday, February 18, 2008


day after day
we constantly fall
holding it in
exposing it all
day after day
i curse your name
you deny my love
i leave in shame
day after day
we argue, we fight
day after day
and night after night
my heart still loves you
but head knows better
one day you'll know...
when you read my letter
that day after day
i wish myself there
with the sand covered beaches
heavy salt in the air
day after day
i try and try
but day after day
i still want to die
i want to hide
disappear from you
from this place...
what you say...all you do
day after day
will come to an end
when i finally say
goodbye, my friend.

Sunday, February 17, 2008


sick of sitting
solid in my seat
sick of seeing
nothing near my feet
sick of hearing
stale, pale, gray
sick of being here
alone, today
the sun is screaming
and i am calling back
i'm hoping and dreaming
but i'm stuck, in this black
sick of waiting
for that day
sick of wishing
this would go away
sick of feeling
alone in this place
sick of hiding
this darkened face
sick of singing
a tuneless song
sick of knowing
i dont belong
the sun is screaming
and i'm screaming back
i need you, sun, please
dont let my eyes fade black
sick of sitting
in nothing but snow
sick of thinking
where i will go
sick of not going
sick of just thinking
sick of this place
i'm sick
and i'm tired
i've been bent
i've been wired
the sun is screaming
and i'm screaming back.

Sunday, February 10, 2008


They fit like a puzzle
Your lips and mine
Every time they meet
Is like a pause in time
We can stop the world
With one simple kiss
Our kiss holds a fire
Please, remember this
No matter where I am
No matter where you are
No matter what time
No matter how far
Our hearts will overcome
Through every test
We’ll break down the walls
And I will never rest
Until I fulfill my mission
My goal, my dream
To make you happy
In everything
I’ll stand beside you
And hold your hand
In all we endure
I wont doubt your love
For I am very sure
Our love is like no other
Our love is rare
My whole heart and yours
Both, fully there
I love you, Brandon
With everything I can
And all I ever will beAnd all that I am

Wednesday, February 6, 2008


i feel like we have to
keep it all hidden
because for some fucked up reason
our love is forbidden
people dont like
that we're still in love
they just dont know
what we're made of
they cant see it...
...the passion in your eyes
when you gaze into mine
purely uncompromised.
they cant see that
sparkle in your smile
that only shines for me
and makes it all worth while
they cant see our hearts time
they cant see your hand
lain ontop of mine
they cant see this feeling
because its inaudible and hushed
they think we're just kids
blinded by love we've rushed
they dont see this fire
burning in my chest
they dont feel this happiness
everyday when i feel blessed
they dont know our words
exchanged and locked away
they cant feel the connection
they dont know what to say
they dont feel the spark
behind every single kiss
they dim down our love
our hunger, they dismiss
they cant feel this fever
they cant begin to heal
they dont fucking know
so what's their fucking deal

no thanks.

cant i be happy?
for just one minute?
just a glimpse of hope
i'd live in it.
i'd grasp every ounce
of light out of that time
when for once happiness
was mine. all mine.
cant people just listen?
cant people see?
that when i'm with him
i'm happy...i'm me.
why cant it be easy?
why cant i just say...
"fuck off, this is my life...
fucking PLEASE just go away."
my so called friends try to
make themselves feel good
by telling me what i shouldnt do
but not saying what i should
'dont go there, dont do that
dont date him' they say.
but where are they?
when i'm running away?
where are they...
when i'm bleeding at night
when i'm searching and searching
but cant find the light
where are they?
when i'm screaming out loud
when i'm standing alone
in the middle of a crowd
where are they?
where are you?
tell me where to go.
tell me what to do.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008


the border line
is paper thin
between heaven and hell.
shove your jesus
down my throat
because its too late to tell.
ill chew it up
but spit it out
and leave you in the dirt.
today is fucked
tomorrows blind
your loss, what would it hurt.
ill break your wrists
if you reach for me
so dont bother looking back.
youve broken it once
paint my smile red
to cover whats empty and black.
so save your time
and save your word
for i'm a hopeless shame.
your words cant break
this white hot fever
its your broken word to blame.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008


i'd rather be lying there
i'd rather be strapped
with chains and things
lain across my lap
i'd rather be half alive
on the conveyor belt
pendalum lowering
the most numb, ive ever felt
i'd rather be sitting
strapped to that chair
with a blindfold on
and a cap on my hair
i'd rather be in a machine
each limb in a different direction
tearing...and ripping
glance at my reflection
my face is bloody
no more tears in my eye
i am too broken
to even cry
i'd rather lie here
on my death bed
barely alive, than
believe what you said
i'd rather my head be
smashed into the ground
than let you for one more second,
put me down.

Monday, January 28, 2008

catch me.

the more i try
the harder i fall
wings spread out
exposing it all
i'm falling but
no ones there
at the bottom where
ground meets air
no ones there
with arms open wide
no one willing to help
to stand by my side
and i'm falling
and i'm yelling
you say it will
but time isnt telling
im screaming from
the pit of my womb
carve..."she bled for you"
on the front of my tomb

Sunday, January 27, 2008


the ocean isnt even
long enough or wide
enough for me to drown
enough for me to hide
this feeling i have
this overwhelming fear
thats ringing so loud
from ear to ear
this tendancy i have
of fucking up everything
and i'm afraid this time
it wont mean a thing
the sky isnt even
high enough or deep
to put my mind at ease
enough for me to sleep
but this worry
and fear subside
when i'm laying there
by your side
you keep me alive
you keep me strong
i'm just afraid that you
and i...dont belong.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008


Today has been painful
The past is unkind
I woke up this morning
Broken, to find
My arms are still empty
But my memories are strong
Everyday I believe more and more
You and I…we belong

Last night was agonizing
And today I’m sore
From the emotional wearing
This bearing, it tore
A hole in my soul
I’m bitter and broken
Replaying again the
Three words left spoken

I’ve searched everywhere
Only… to find
None other has captured
So much of my mind
This hold you have
Apprehended my heart
Is strong enough to keep
Us from falling apart

Tuesday, January 22, 2008


my last three words
silently linger
hold onto my lips
slips from my finger
they began to fade out
too soon to tell
they burst into flame
creating this hell
this bliss and your kiss
bounce around in my head
this kiss, this wish
forget what you said
words roll off my tongue
on my cheek, parallell
to the tears from my eyes
racing, they both fell
with nothing to fall on
no cushion beneath
no hand left to hold
no one to bequeath
these tears and these words
silently linger
let go of my lips
slips off of my finger

Sunday, January 20, 2008

i'm a fucking idiot.

you, are tearing
me apart
once again you
break my heart
how many times
do i have to fail
before i see
i'm just a snail
carrying a house
upon my back
you walk beside
cursing my shack
you wont help me
bear this home
id be better off if
i walked alone
how many times
must i do that
before i see
i'm just a rat
running this wheel
you've placed in here
lost in this maze
the end, unclear
will you leave me
to run carefree?
and stay lost forever
in this maze you've built for me?
this maze is your heart
i cannot find the end
and i'm running into walls
and i do not comprehend
why wont you help
just this one time
just knock down these walls
and say you'll be mine
why cant you let
this snail rest for now
and stop this rat from
running around
set me free
by saying those words
i love you is all
that need be heard
i know you'd mean it
i know you do
theres just one thing
that thing is you
you're the only one
who can tear down this wall
and open my heart again...
...and save me from this fall
but you're the only one
who can break it again
by using my heart
tell her i'm just a friend
why cant it all
just be like last year
when no hearts had been broken
no eyes shed a tear
when we walked hand in hand
down those streets
barefoot, wet concrete
under our feet
a picnic in the park
where you told me
and swore that you
were all i need
what happened to that
and why cant i have it once more?
give me my wishes and dreams
if they dont come true, what are they for?
i just want you
to feel and to see
how i feel about you
how do you feel about me?

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

on my own.

this is how the story goes.
this is how life was dealt.
i fucked up my love life.
lower than i've ever felt.
you were standing there,
arms as wide open as can be.
and i let myself open up to you.
and i showed you the real me.
you walked in when he walked out.
i poured my heart out to you.
and i was foolish enough to think,
this would work out how i want it to.
that for once in my life...once in my life,
i finally wouldnt be let down
but i guess i was very wrong.
submerged...screaming, let me drown.
i dont trust the hand you offer
you'll probably pull away anyhow
i had troubles trusting before this
i cannot trust anyone now.
so i guess happiness isnt meant
for every least not for me
i am on my own now and i scream
to slowly fade, disappear, cease to be
that i could hide in the shadows
and never be found, ever be sighted
maybe on my own, in the darkness
my hopes and dreams would be reunited
but this is probably just me...
getting my hopes up once more
thats a tendancy of mine...
but this time...
i've learned from before.

walked on.

i'm sick of feeling walked all over
as if i'm nothing more than your bitch
i wont always be sitting here
to scratch that urge when you itch
i wont be your personal floor mat
i WILL slip out from under your feet
and i wont be there to wipe them on
after the rain...the snow...the sleet
i am so fucking sick of being your dog
i wont be there for you to walk on
you'll want to kick me around
but that day...i'll be long gone.
i'll be long gone baby, and someday...someone
will respect me, appreciate me, bitch, i'm all that
and i deserve every bit of that...i'm strong
and if i dont get it..i'll walk out in the tip of a hat
i am so fed up. i am so beat down.
and i cannot wait until the day you see
everything you left behind....
bitch, you left ME.

Monday, January 14, 2008


after all you've done
after all you've said
after all i've thought
you wished me dead
after all the words
after all the pain
i'm a beaten umbrella
in this pouring rain
my soul is finally calm
smooth, glassy, placid
the rain beating down
is purely made of acid
but i've kept it up...
my umbrella, for you
after all this hell
all you've put me through
i'm still trying to cover you
with what little remains
thats all i've wanted to do
cover you when it rains
and i'm trying and trying
but you just keep fighting
i just want to protect you
from the thunder and lightning
give in to my protection
give in because this will be
over your head...covering you
no matter what you do to me
please stop fighting it
its for your own good
sure, try the golashes
try putting up your hood
none will cover you
with the comfort and love
as my umbrella does
and will always sit above
your precious head
i'll give all i have if need be
to cover you from this
because i love you...

Saturday, January 12, 2008

fuck you.

you shed a single tear
and i wiped it from your face
back in familiar arms
in a quite familiar place
you're breathing on my neck
then you whisper in my ear
what ive been so patiently
waiting, hear
but how could i be so stupid
to believe you when you said
that you miss me, really miss me
it all makes me scratch my head
does he mean it?
is he just messing with me again?
or just love me like a friend?
do i really take the words he says
seriously? or let them go...
because he says a lot of things....
mostly just 'i dont know'
he says hes figuring it out
but im really just beginning to think
that he enjoys breaking me down
actually likes pushing me to the brink
the edge of existence
where i make a choice
do i live my fucking life
or do i listen to his voice?
should i walk those few small steps
to my long belated death?
do i let his piercing words
take my final breath?
i'm past the point of no return
to where theres no looking back
to the point where my eyes stay open
but my sight turns black
you cut this hole in my heart
with your knife formed by fear
seeping with feelings of nothingness
because you faked that single tear.

Thursday, January 10, 2008


days like now
i finally see
the person
that i want to be
a future for
myself is shown
but i am still
living the unknown
every second
surprise lingers
on the end of my nose
the tips of my fingers
days like now
i'm happy because
i can honestly say
im not who i was
im different
im new
i'm me
you're you
life's coming
coming fast
i'm over this
i'm past the past
i'm growing
i'm learning
this longing
this yearning
i'm hoping
someday soon
i'll be the sun
highest at noon
i'll watch over
people and life
i'll be a mother
a sister, a worker, a wife
days like now
i get happy again
i can see theres a future
i can see to the end
its alright if
it doesnt go
the way i want
see....or know
i will be happy
with what i do
no matter how
where or with who
days like now
are when i smile
and hope and dream
ill stay this way for a while
and im thankful
to you and to you
for being with me
for helping me through.
days like now...
today is now.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

(pun intended)

if i could change the world
i wouldnt change humanity
i would make things like they were
and once again, you'd be with me
if i could change the world
i would turn back time
and i wouldnt have ever said
that sorrowful goodbye
if i could change the world
i would start with you and me
i would bring us back to life
but i cannot change it, you see
i cannot change the world
and i cannot change your mind
i cannot persuade your thoughts
i can only give you time
i cannot change the world
but i can surely wait
and see how the world turns
and hope its not too late.

Monday, January 7, 2008


im so sick of hearing
people tell me
that there are more
fish in the sea
because i dont care
about the other fish
i just want YOU
that's all i wish
sure i could catch
another fish out there
but you're all i want
i dont even care
that i may never have
another chance with you
i'll still love you, brandon
i dont know what to do
i dont know how to drown
this annoying ring in my ear
there arent any fish in the sea
that know me like you, dear
i miss you and i love you
and i so fucking wish
that i could catch you again
you're the only fish
that catches my eye
that stands out to me
and im sorry i feel this
i just wish you could see
how much i still love you
i'd give anything to be
that one fish standing out
for your sea.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

just friends.

you take my heart
and you love it so deep
you make room in your bed
and i crawl down to sleep
you brush my hair
from my green eyes
i give you my heart
thats why im surprised
you just want to be friends?
i dont know what to say
just friends. thats all?
do you know what its like everyday?
you hold my hand
dance with me in the rain
and now...JUST FRIENDS?
are you fucking insane?!
i poured my life
into your hands
i drop that dime
to see where it lands
you drove me out
to our place in the park
it was so precious
holding you in the dark
kissing your lips
by the light of the moon
just be friends...
has been said too soon
i cant just be your friend
when im still so in love
remember in florida?
in the water, you held me above...
but now i'll bet
you'd let me drown.
just fucking friends.
...really puts me down
my soul, my entire self
i have given to YOU
and look where we are now
just friends, is it true?
can you really be serious?
JUST FRIENDS, come on.
i know you have her now
i know you've moved on
but seriously. FUCKING SERIOUSLY.
im thinking JUST FRIENDS
is becoming harder than
just saying its the end.


a few simple words
have so much power
i woke up last night
every hour, on the hour
your face in my mind
your voice in my head
i lie wide awake
depressed, in my bed
how can YOU
have this effect on me?
how can i still love you
after everything?
after you said those things
after you moved on
after i thought i convinced myself
that you're really gone
i dont even know
i really dont see
how i can still love you
after you did that to me
why do i care so much?
why do i still feel this?
where do i go from here?
what is it about you that i miss?
why are you so addicting?
why do i act like nothings wrong
like i'm happy for you two
i've faked it for so long
"i'm happy for you"
its a load of shit
i'm sorry to say
but dont believe it.
and i'm so fed up
with not being over you
i keep trying so hard
i dont know what else to do
so if anyone at all
has a bit of advice
for me to get over him
that would be reeeeally nice.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008


its days like today
i sit here and cry
everyone walks by
but no one asks why
let me tell you the reason
that i sit here so low
the thoughts rush through me
and i just dont know
last night, was amazing
but today...its not like that
because nights like those
bring thoughts up to bat
thoughts of reality
and thoughts of pain
and days like today
i lie in the rain
im sleeping in this puddle
and no one seems to mind
because they've seen me here
time after time
my heart is a pile of putty
your footprints stay set
its strung out, smashed down
but i want to let
someone remold it and try
to make it into a gem
but i'm just afraid this putty
will always belong to him
its his fucking putty
he knows he can throw me out
he knows he can smash me down
he knows what he does no doubt
and i want so bad to give
this putty to someone besides he
i want my putty back
this heart belongs to me
and i want the free will
to give it to the man i please
but im still afraid every word he says
brings me to my knees
i dont know what to do
i just want to run away
times like this
on days like today